DeWayne Hodgett
Blue Ribbon Services
Sears Holding Company
3333 Beverly Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois 60179
Personal and Confidential
Dear DeWayne,
I know you meant well when you invited me to be your facebook friend. You wanted me to experience a different side of DeWayne. The DeWayne with 9,762 friends. The DeWayne who helps out at the soup kitchen. The DeWayne doing the perp walk.
But, DeWayne, I thought I was more to you than a facebook friend.
Our first encounter-nearly 3 months ago-- was brief, one sided and memorable only in retrospect as the beginning of a relationship. You left me a message saying that you were assigned to my case no. 3149639 and would call me in two days. True to your word, you called. I acknowledge I may not have been my best self in our conversation. I may have grumbled that for three months I had been living in a treadmill junkyard thanks to Sears. I may have complained about the limp I developed after I stubbed my toe on the 2nd broken Sole Fitness treadmill. I may have said,"there's not a snowball's chance in hell I will let a Sears treadmill into my house." I do know that I asked you for $2500 so I could get a new treadmill elsewhere. Unflappable, you told me you'd get back to me.
With uncanny sensitivity to my schedule, you called me every other day when I wasn't home, leaving me a message on land-line that you were sorry you missed me and that you would call in two days. I received that same message every other day for a month. In response to each message, I called you back, telling you I was sorry I missed your call and leaving you my cell phone number. You managed to leave me a message on cell every time I was on the subway.
I admit being mystified that your message was never more substantive than, "I'll call you in two days," but on August 16 when you did reach me, your reason became evident.
Only a sociopath would tell you your dog died by leaving you a message. A good person would cushion the blow with a little banter before the bad news. On August 16, you called, asked after my vacation and told me my dog died--metaphorically of course, as I don't have dog. Sears would not give me $2500. What could they do for me?
DeWayne, at that moment, perhaps because your tone was so beseeching, perhaps because the regularity of your calls enabled me to remember whether it was Monday or Wednesday, perhaps because I killed too many brain cells with $3 Trader Joe's Chardonnay, I lost my mind to you. "Okay," I said,"I'll give Sears one more chance. If you can deliver, set up and take out the broken treadmill in one visit, I'll go for it." You said you'd get back to me in two days.
For two more weeks, I received alternate day messages from you on my cell phone. I steeled myself for my dog's death. But, instead, on August 30, you gave me a birthday present. Just as you intuited my schedule, you intuited my birthday. "Pick out any treadmill on the Sears website and it's yours." Upping our intimacy level, we exchanged e-mail addresses.
I'm used to great birthday presents-- Tiffany necklaces, Broadway shows, chopped liver and kasha knish from the Second Avenue Deli-but a treadmill trumps them all. I was certain we had something special going.
I picked out a doozy, the Proform XP 580 Trainer Treadmill, checked its reviews, found out its dimensions and e-mailed you. When you left me a message two days later that you'd call me in two days, I could not and would not believe you had news of a dead canine. I was still on cloud nine, fantasizing running on my new ProForm 580, eliminating the six pounds I had gained since Sears terminated my exercise regimen.
When you began our phone call on September 7, with "How was your weekend?" I knew Fido was in his casket. "The Proform XP 580 is not available." "But DeWayne," I whined, "it's available on the Sears website."
You explained that it was not in a warehouse in my area and graciously invited me to pick out another one...any other one...and it would be mine.
I've picked out three more, none of which are available in my area. You maintain your graciousness in the face of my disappointment, urging me to keep selecting, but the only treadmills remaining cost $75 and are suitable for use by Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
DeWayne, I admit I'm inexperienced in matters of the heart. You led me down the primrose path with your reliability, generosity and empathy. I believed I was more than just one out of 9,762. DeWayne,with me it's all or nothing. If I cannot be your BFF, I will not be your "friend" at all. I nevertheless look forward to our next communication on Tuesday. It will either be "This is DeWayne Hodgett. I'm sorry I missed your call, but I will call you back on Thursday." That will provide a needed reminder that it is Tuesday. Or, we'll speak. You'll ask me about my weekend, so I'll know Fido's being interred and you'll say "Pick out any hamster wheel on the Sears website. Price is no object."
Best,
Carol
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Attaboy Ed (Take Two
June 15, 2010
Edward S. Lampert
CEO and President
Sears Holding Corp.
3333 Beverly Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Dear Ed,
Kudos are in order. I didn't think it possible, given Sears'
extraordinary prior performance, but your company has exceeded my expectations. June 10, Lourdice(You remember her, don't you? My Sears fairy godmother who enhanced my decor with three non working treadmills?)called and told me she had arranged something special for me. I had only to call American Direct,make an appointment and an installer would arrive at my apartment to install my newest Sole Fitness treadmill and place the defective Sole treadmill in the box the new one had come in. Once the defective Sole was boxed, I had only to call Atlantic Freight to pick it up. Holding on to the 15 year old Pro-form treadmill(the treadmill emeritus,)I did a celebratory jig in the square foot of living room floor not occupied by gym equipment.
Friday, June 11 was the appointed day. That Thursday night I was a
kid on Christmas Eve. The possibility that I might reduce my treadmill inventory by a third as well as have one of the two remaining treadmills work was so thrilling, I could barely sleep. Towards morning, I dozed off, happily dreaming of starting a relationship with a new treadmill, while slightly sad at what would mark the termination of my relationship with Lourdice. When I awoke, I smiled,realizing it had just been a dream. My relationship with Lourdice would likely be lifelong, in as much as she had no idea how to get the treadmill emeritus out of my house.
At the crack of noon, Mejandro from American Direct, removed the new Sole from its box,placed it gently on the Ralph Lauren floral quilt I willingly sacrificed to the treadmill gods and dragged all 250 pounds of it from its honored position in the living room(where the couch had been) to the side of my bed. It lay there on its side wrapped in plastic while Mejandro disassembled the defective Sole, and dragged its 250 pound carcass
on a Liz Claiborne plaid quilt, which I also sacrificed, to the box. He got all the pieces in, closed the box, taped it shut and proceeded to my bedroom for the installation of the new Sole.
Mejandro unwrapped the plastic and gasped. Go ahead, Ed, guess why. No,
not because it was the most wondrous machine he'd ever seen. Because it was broken, Ed. The shaft, that should have been inside the machine, was sticking out and broken. I had sacrificed two irreplaceable quilts(well they might be replaceable, but not at the price I got them for)to ungrateful gods.
Ed, what can I say? I would like to say that I took this disappointment in stride, recognizing that my problem was trivial in the global scheme of things, but Ed, I'm not that big of a person. At that moment, had Bob Barker arrived at my home, crowned me Miss America and asked me what I wished for, I would not have said, "Bob, I wish all nations could get along and that we could have world peace." No, on national television, I would have smiled and said,"Bob, I would like have these three f**kin' treadmills out of my house." As Mejandro replaced the broken corpse of the new Sole on the the soft lillies of the quilt, and dragged it to my living room,right in front of my door, where it rejoined the other two treadmills, I first called your escalation unit where I spoke to Roslyn, narrated the Tale of the Three Treadmills and told her I wanted them out of my house that afternoon and my money back for the 15 years I paid for the useless warranty. Roslyn said she'd get back to me. Figuring that hell might freeze over before Roslyn called me back, I called your President's line where,at a higher decibel level,I spoke to Melanie. She filed her nails, listened politely, said she'd get back to me and ended the conversation with, "Thank you for choosing Sears."
Ed, had I not taken my pharmaceuticals that morning, had I lived in walking distance from a Wal-mart, had I not been a pacifist, after Melanie so graciously thanked me, I would have bought an automatic, taken the subway to Sears and hurt people.
G-d works in mysterious ways, Ed. Just as I slammed the phone down, an angel from Atlantic Freight arrived to pick up the boxed treadmill. The angel said, "I'm glad it's in a box. I had to pick up a treadmill the other day that wasn't boxed and it took two men." Having been told by Lourdice that even an angel couldn't pick up an unpackaged treadmill, I inquired, "You pick them up unboxed?" "Yes," he said. I asked him if he could take the emeritus and the broken Sole. He said he could if he had the order to do it.
Ed, I was distraught. Not only would I have share my apartment with 20 pieces of broken treadmill lying next to its 15 year old predecessor, but Lourdice, whom I had trusted with every fiber of my being, had lied to me. Betrayed, I had no reason to ever talk to Lourdice again, but I nevertheless left her a voice mail telling her what had occurred since the previous day.
I lay down with a cold compress on my head for several hours when, at 4:00, Roslyn called with unbelievably good news. Someone would pick up the treadmills on Sunday or Monday, whichever day I preferred and whatever time I preferred. I told Roslyn that the pick up should be made Monday, June 14, between 8:00 a.m. and 12 noon. Roslyn placed me on hold, confirmed the date and time and told me I'd receive an electronic call Sunday night giving me a two hour window. I could have kissed Roslyn. Instead, I thanked her profusely. "Roslyn," I inquired,"How is it that you managed to arrange what Lourdice said was impossible?" The question was rhetorical, Ed, so I didn't really listen to Roslyn's response.
I'm a glass half full kind of girl, Ed, so I banished all thoughts of Lourdice from my consciousness. But at 4:30 she called me. I guess some people would rather stay in a bad relationship that move on. "Lourdice," I asked," How is it that Roslyn was able to perform this miracle when,for three months, you couldn't get it done?"
Ed, Lourdice couldn't get functioning treadmills delivered or broken treadmills picked up, but I have to hand it to her. When backed into a corner, she's a fighter. "Are you telling me I don't know how to do my job?" she fairly spat at me. "No, Lourdice," I said soothingly,"I would never say that." A little afraid of her now, I was glad she couldn't see my eyes roll. Lourdice continued, "Roslyn can't do it and its not going to happen."
I'm a law abiding person Ed, but over the weekend I did take bets on whether the treadmills would be picked up timely. I provided the bettors with the treadmill history including Lourdice's final utterance. Whether because of Sears track record or Lourdice's possible interference, the odds that Sears would actually pick up the treadmills Monday a.m were 50-1. Betting closed at 4:00 Sunday.
6:00 p.m. Sunday, I did indeed receive an electronic message, giving the window for pick up: 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. I pressed "0" to speak to a representative and got Jason. When I told Jason that the treadmills had to be picked up between 8:00 and 12:00, that I worked and wouldn't be home in the afternoon, Jason patiently explained to me that 8:00-12:00 was merely a "request," that it couldn't be done in the a.m. and did I want to reschedule. Equally patient, but loud, I explained to Jason that I did want to "request" another time, I WANTED THEM PICKED UP IN THE MORNING. GET IT DONE. Jason, still patient, explained that he couldn't. "Jason, let me speak to your manager." "Why?" asked Jason. "Guess," said I. I was put on hold and after 20 minutes, Jason returned to the line. You'll have them picked up between 8:00 and 12:00.
Ed, I told Jason he deserves your job. (Don't be miffed Ed. I know no one could do it as well as you.) But I was a little sceptical. Was Jason humoring me or would Sears actually pick up the treadmills? If Jason had arranged it, would Lourdice throw a wrench into it?
Monday morning was tense. A driver called at 7:30. "Where are you?" he asked. I told him. "In the Bronx?"he asked. "No, Manhattan," I responded. "I don't know if I can get there. I'll call you back." "Just get here," I screamed. 10:00 a.m. Sharon, Roslyn's colleague from escalation called. "Sharon," I said, "call the driver and make sure he gets here." 10:10 Sharon called back. "I called the driver and told him to go to your house. He thought he was picking up refrigerators. I told him treadmills. I got his manager's number. Someone will be there by 12:00." I wrote down the manager's number.
By noon, there was no sign of Sears. I called the manager and heard the following recorded message: "You have reached, 201-546-3323. The person you have called is not accepting calls at this time." Although I now had clumps of my own hair in my hand, I found this message so fabulous that I took the time to transcribe it verbatim for use on my voice mail. It will be such a time saver.
12:30 the phone rang. "This is Sears. The men have been in front of your door for 1/2 hour and no one's there." "Not possible," I said, "this is a doorman buiding and I've been here all morning." "What's your address?" I told her. "Whoops, they're down the street at 51 Jane Street. They'll be right there."
And Ed, they were. Two big guys who lifted these treadmills as if they weighed no more than helium balloons. They worked for Ex-El, the company that delivers and picks up for Sears and guess what: they were incredulous at my treadmill tale.They always pick up appliances that are unboxed because, as they so aptly put it, "Why would you keep the box that
a useless refrigerator came in?"
Now, Ed, after this long story, you might be wondering what the kudos were for. So, I'll tell you. When I started this adventure with Sears, my expectation was that, thanks to the exorbitant warranty I had paid for for 15 years, I would receive, free of charge, a working treadmill. As you know, I don't have one. But, Ed, you are a master of reducing expectations. After three months of dealing with Lourdice, I am ecstatic...no, delirious...that I have no more broken treadmills in my house. The fact that I don't have a working treadmill does not seem to bother me. Sears has managed to satisfy me despite having breached its warranty.
Although the words ATTABOY ED are inadequate to convey my feelings about the job you're doing, I know of no other printable words to do it.
So ATTABOY ED. Keep up the good work.
Very truly yours,
Carol R. Abramson
Edward S. Lampert
CEO and President
Sears Holding Corp.
3333 Beverly Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Dear Ed,
Kudos are in order. I didn't think it possible, given Sears'
extraordinary prior performance, but your company has exceeded my expectations. June 10, Lourdice(You remember her, don't you? My Sears fairy godmother who enhanced my decor with three non working treadmills?)called and told me she had arranged something special for me. I had only to call American Direct,make an appointment and an installer would arrive at my apartment to install my newest Sole Fitness treadmill and place the defective Sole treadmill in the box the new one had come in. Once the defective Sole was boxed, I had only to call Atlantic Freight to pick it up. Holding on to the 15 year old Pro-form treadmill(the treadmill emeritus,)I did a celebratory jig in the square foot of living room floor not occupied by gym equipment.
Friday, June 11 was the appointed day. That Thursday night I was a
kid on Christmas Eve. The possibility that I might reduce my treadmill inventory by a third as well as have one of the two remaining treadmills work was so thrilling, I could barely sleep. Towards morning, I dozed off, happily dreaming of starting a relationship with a new treadmill, while slightly sad at what would mark the termination of my relationship with Lourdice. When I awoke, I smiled,realizing it had just been a dream. My relationship with Lourdice would likely be lifelong, in as much as she had no idea how to get the treadmill emeritus out of my house.
At the crack of noon, Mejandro from American Direct, removed the new Sole from its box,placed it gently on the Ralph Lauren floral quilt I willingly sacrificed to the treadmill gods and dragged all 250 pounds of it from its honored position in the living room(where the couch had been) to the side of my bed. It lay there on its side wrapped in plastic while Mejandro disassembled the defective Sole, and dragged its 250 pound carcass
on a Liz Claiborne plaid quilt, which I also sacrificed, to the box. He got all the pieces in, closed the box, taped it shut and proceeded to my bedroom for the installation of the new Sole.
Mejandro unwrapped the plastic and gasped. Go ahead, Ed, guess why. No,
not because it was the most wondrous machine he'd ever seen. Because it was broken, Ed. The shaft, that should have been inside the machine, was sticking out and broken. I had sacrificed two irreplaceable quilts(well they might be replaceable, but not at the price I got them for)to ungrateful gods.
Ed, what can I say? I would like to say that I took this disappointment in stride, recognizing that my problem was trivial in the global scheme of things, but Ed, I'm not that big of a person. At that moment, had Bob Barker arrived at my home, crowned me Miss America and asked me what I wished for, I would not have said, "Bob, I wish all nations could get along and that we could have world peace." No, on national television, I would have smiled and said,"Bob, I would like have these three f**kin' treadmills out of my house." As Mejandro replaced the broken corpse of the new Sole on the the soft lillies of the quilt, and dragged it to my living room,right in front of my door, where it rejoined the other two treadmills, I first called your escalation unit where I spoke to Roslyn, narrated the Tale of the Three Treadmills and told her I wanted them out of my house that afternoon and my money back for the 15 years I paid for the useless warranty. Roslyn said she'd get back to me. Figuring that hell might freeze over before Roslyn called me back, I called your President's line where,at a higher decibel level,I spoke to Melanie. She filed her nails, listened politely, said she'd get back to me and ended the conversation with, "Thank you for choosing Sears."
Ed, had I not taken my pharmaceuticals that morning, had I lived in walking distance from a Wal-mart, had I not been a pacifist, after Melanie so graciously thanked me, I would have bought an automatic, taken the subway to Sears and hurt people.
G-d works in mysterious ways, Ed. Just as I slammed the phone down, an angel from Atlantic Freight arrived to pick up the boxed treadmill. The angel said, "I'm glad it's in a box. I had to pick up a treadmill the other day that wasn't boxed and it took two men." Having been told by Lourdice that even an angel couldn't pick up an unpackaged treadmill, I inquired, "You pick them up unboxed?" "Yes," he said. I asked him if he could take the emeritus and the broken Sole. He said he could if he had the order to do it.
Ed, I was distraught. Not only would I have share my apartment with 20 pieces of broken treadmill lying next to its 15 year old predecessor, but Lourdice, whom I had trusted with every fiber of my being, had lied to me. Betrayed, I had no reason to ever talk to Lourdice again, but I nevertheless left her a voice mail telling her what had occurred since the previous day.
I lay down with a cold compress on my head for several hours when, at 4:00, Roslyn called with unbelievably good news. Someone would pick up the treadmills on Sunday or Monday, whichever day I preferred and whatever time I preferred. I told Roslyn that the pick up should be made Monday, June 14, between 8:00 a.m. and 12 noon. Roslyn placed me on hold, confirmed the date and time and told me I'd receive an electronic call Sunday night giving me a two hour window. I could have kissed Roslyn. Instead, I thanked her profusely. "Roslyn," I inquired,"How is it that you managed to arrange what Lourdice said was impossible?" The question was rhetorical, Ed, so I didn't really listen to Roslyn's response.
I'm a glass half full kind of girl, Ed, so I banished all thoughts of Lourdice from my consciousness. But at 4:30 she called me. I guess some people would rather stay in a bad relationship that move on. "Lourdice," I asked," How is it that Roslyn was able to perform this miracle when,for three months, you couldn't get it done?"
Ed, Lourdice couldn't get functioning treadmills delivered or broken treadmills picked up, but I have to hand it to her. When backed into a corner, she's a fighter. "Are you telling me I don't know how to do my job?" she fairly spat at me. "No, Lourdice," I said soothingly,"I would never say that." A little afraid of her now, I was glad she couldn't see my eyes roll. Lourdice continued, "Roslyn can't do it and its not going to happen."
I'm a law abiding person Ed, but over the weekend I did take bets on whether the treadmills would be picked up timely. I provided the bettors with the treadmill history including Lourdice's final utterance. Whether because of Sears track record or Lourdice's possible interference, the odds that Sears would actually pick up the treadmills Monday a.m were 50-1. Betting closed at 4:00 Sunday.
6:00 p.m. Sunday, I did indeed receive an electronic message, giving the window for pick up: 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. I pressed "0" to speak to a representative and got Jason. When I told Jason that the treadmills had to be picked up between 8:00 and 12:00, that I worked and wouldn't be home in the afternoon, Jason patiently explained to me that 8:00-12:00 was merely a "request," that it couldn't be done in the a.m. and did I want to reschedule. Equally patient, but loud, I explained to Jason that I did want to "request" another time, I WANTED THEM PICKED UP IN THE MORNING. GET IT DONE. Jason, still patient, explained that he couldn't. "Jason, let me speak to your manager." "Why?" asked Jason. "Guess," said I. I was put on hold and after 20 minutes, Jason returned to the line. You'll have them picked up between 8:00 and 12:00.
Ed, I told Jason he deserves your job. (Don't be miffed Ed. I know no one could do it as well as you.) But I was a little sceptical. Was Jason humoring me or would Sears actually pick up the treadmills? If Jason had arranged it, would Lourdice throw a wrench into it?
Monday morning was tense. A driver called at 7:30. "Where are you?" he asked. I told him. "In the Bronx?"he asked. "No, Manhattan," I responded. "I don't know if I can get there. I'll call you back." "Just get here," I screamed. 10:00 a.m. Sharon, Roslyn's colleague from escalation called. "Sharon," I said, "call the driver and make sure he gets here." 10:10 Sharon called back. "I called the driver and told him to go to your house. He thought he was picking up refrigerators. I told him treadmills. I got his manager's number. Someone will be there by 12:00." I wrote down the manager's number.
By noon, there was no sign of Sears. I called the manager and heard the following recorded message: "You have reached, 201-546-3323. The person you have called is not accepting calls at this time." Although I now had clumps of my own hair in my hand, I found this message so fabulous that I took the time to transcribe it verbatim for use on my voice mail. It will be such a time saver.
12:30 the phone rang. "This is Sears. The men have been in front of your door for 1/2 hour and no one's there." "Not possible," I said, "this is a doorman buiding and I've been here all morning." "What's your address?" I told her. "Whoops, they're down the street at 51 Jane Street. They'll be right there."
And Ed, they were. Two big guys who lifted these treadmills as if they weighed no more than helium balloons. They worked for Ex-El, the company that delivers and picks up for Sears and guess what: they were incredulous at my treadmill tale.They always pick up appliances that are unboxed because, as they so aptly put it, "Why would you keep the box that
a useless refrigerator came in?"
Now, Ed, after this long story, you might be wondering what the kudos were for. So, I'll tell you. When I started this adventure with Sears, my expectation was that, thanks to the exorbitant warranty I had paid for for 15 years, I would receive, free of charge, a working treadmill. As you know, I don't have one. But, Ed, you are a master of reducing expectations. After three months of dealing with Lourdice, I am ecstatic...no, delirious...that I have no more broken treadmills in my house. The fact that I don't have a working treadmill does not seem to bother me. Sears has managed to satisfy me despite having breached its warranty.
Although the words ATTABOY ED are inadequate to convey my feelings about the job you're doing, I know of no other printable words to do it.
So ATTABOY ED. Keep up the good work.
Very truly yours,
Carol R. Abramson
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Dear Mr. Lambert
June 8, 2010
Edward S. Lambert
CEO and President
Sears Holdings Corp.
3333 Beverly Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Dear Mr. Lambert,
This is not a complaint letter. I have nothing to complain about. I have wonderful friends, am comfortable financially and my health is good, thank G-d, except for an annoying twinge in my left wrist and occasional heartburn after kung pao chicken. I understand you're a very important man what with your single handedly running not only Sears and K-Mart but also Lands'End(from which, I want you to know, I purchased the most fabulous suck-it-all-in eggplant bathing suit which I wore to death in Cancun), but rest assured, this letter will occupy only a few minutes of your valuable time.
Ed(I hope you don't mind my calling you that, but I feel close to you),you must be the smartest CEO on earth, or at least in Hoffman Estates, Illinois. You appreciate that anyone can employ the best and the brightest to manage a company, but what do they get? A well run company that serves its customers and shareholders. You, Ed, care about more than the bottom line. You're a people person. You hire the mentally challenged,pay them a fair wage and send them out to to deal with Sears' customers. You change their lives. You're a veritable Mother Teresa.
You've changed my life too, Ed. For 15 years, every morning I arose, took my high blood pressure pill and walked for 20 minutes on my Sears Pro-form treadmill . My relationship with the treadmill was the most stable in my life. Like most relationships, it wasn't perfect. The treadmill was deafening, but I didn't complain. I simply learned to read Ann Curry's lips. The treadmill occasionally zoomed from 3.9 mph to 4.8 mph, propelling my head toward the console. I adjusted and wore a helmet. But one day, it stopped running altogether and I was forced to invoke the Sears warranty for which I'd paid $150 per year for 15 years- a total of $2250.
The repairman had me sit down while he gave me the bad news. The motor was kaput and irreplaceable. But, he said,comforting me with his hand on my shoulder, since it was under warranty, Sears would give me a brand new treadmill-free.
I was thrilled. I had wondered for years what Matt Lauer sounded like and now I'd know. I could shed the helmet. I'd be getting a new $900 treadmill, free. Within weeks I received a call from Lourdice, your employee in South Carolina. Like a fairy godmother, she told me to pick out the treadmill I wanted and she'd arrange the delivery. "But Lourdice, what about the pick up of the 15 year old treadmill? I don't have room for two treadmills." Lourdice assured me she'd take care of it.
On April 22, Atlantic Freight delivered my new Sole Fitness treadmill and left it in a box in the middle of my living room floor. The box was the size of my father's 1960 Chevy Impala. Michael, of American Direct, arrived to install it.He removed it from the box, moved my old Pro-form into the living room and moved my new Sole Fitness into the Pro-form's spot in the bedroom. The new Sole Fitness weighed 350 pounds, its footprint was 7 feet and its console, 5'3" high, bore a striking resemblance to the console that Scotty used to beam up the crew of the Enterprise. I couldn't wait to try it. Unfortunately, Michael could not get it to start. Michael disposed of the box and left. I called Lourdice. Lourdice said,"Don't worry. Sears will send it back to the manufacturer and we'll send you a brand new one." As of April 22, thanks to Sears, I had two treadmills.
Ed, you really are terrific. You must pay your employees alot more than I get paid. You see, I live in a NYC apartment. It isn't easy to fit one treadmill into a NYC apartment,let alone two. (It isn't easy to fit an extra hanger into a NYC apartment.) Lourdice must live in a very spacious house, because she was flummoxed by my repeated requests to have the two dead treadmills removed before a third was delivered. But, ever accommodating, she arranged to have Atlantic Freight pick up the defective Sole.
Atlantic Freight called me. Yippee, they were going to pick up the Sole Fitness and return it to the manufacturer. But it would have to be boxed, at the door, ready to go.
Boxed? I took a valium and left a message for Lourdice explaining the situation. Lourdice left me the following message: I don't understand why you don't have a box. Everyone knows when you return an item, it has to be in the box."
Until that moment, I was unaware of your generous hiring practices. But now it was clear that Lourdice either thought a treadmill was the size of a fruitcake or would return a rental car in a box.
I took an ativan and called her back. "Lourdice," I explained,"your installer disposed of the box. I HAVE NO BOX. And even if I had a box, there's no way in hell I could get a 350 pound machine into it. I'm 70 years old and I weigh 100 pounds." Okay, Ed, I admit I overstated my age and understated my weight, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
After deliberation, Lourdice called me back. "I'll take care of it,"she said.
The following day, Atlantic Freight called to arrange an appointment to deliver my new treadmill. No talk of pick up. "Sure, come tomorrow," I said. "What's one more treadmill?"
Ed, thanks to the generosity of Sears, I now have a trio of treadmills in my apartment. The new Sole, in pristine condition in its box, sits in the place that formerly housed my couch. I sit on it to watch "The Good Wife." The couch is in storage. The 15 year old Pro-form is propped up next to my dining room table requiring me to eat standing up. And the defective Sole is a 350 pound high tech sculpture in my bedroom. Like every body else's fitness equipment, it serves as a clothing hanger.
My morning activities have changed. I arise, take two blood pressure pills, one valium, one ativan and a prozac and spend 20 minutes talking to Lourdice,who is now the most stable relationship in my life. Like my relationship with the treadmill, it's not perfect. I ask her daily to remove two treadmills and install the third. She tells me daily that she's working on it. My guess is she hears me as clearly as I heard Ann Curry.
So, Ed, I can think of no better way of thanking you for how you changed my life than by paraphrasing our ex-president. ATTABOY, ED. Keep up the good work.
Very truly yours,
Carol R. Abramson
Edward S. Lambert
CEO and President
Sears Holdings Corp.
3333 Beverly Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Dear Mr. Lambert,
This is not a complaint letter. I have nothing to complain about. I have wonderful friends, am comfortable financially and my health is good, thank G-d, except for an annoying twinge in my left wrist and occasional heartburn after kung pao chicken. I understand you're a very important man what with your single handedly running not only Sears and K-Mart but also Lands'End(from which, I want you to know, I purchased the most fabulous suck-it-all-in eggplant bathing suit which I wore to death in Cancun), but rest assured, this letter will occupy only a few minutes of your valuable time.
Ed(I hope you don't mind my calling you that, but I feel close to you),you must be the smartest CEO on earth, or at least in Hoffman Estates, Illinois. You appreciate that anyone can employ the best and the brightest to manage a company, but what do they get? A well run company that serves its customers and shareholders. You, Ed, care about more than the bottom line. You're a people person. You hire the mentally challenged,pay them a fair wage and send them out to to deal with Sears' customers. You change their lives. You're a veritable Mother Teresa.
You've changed my life too, Ed. For 15 years, every morning I arose, took my high blood pressure pill and walked for 20 minutes on my Sears Pro-form treadmill . My relationship with the treadmill was the most stable in my life. Like most relationships, it wasn't perfect. The treadmill was deafening, but I didn't complain. I simply learned to read Ann Curry's lips. The treadmill occasionally zoomed from 3.9 mph to 4.8 mph, propelling my head toward the console. I adjusted and wore a helmet. But one day, it stopped running altogether and I was forced to invoke the Sears warranty for which I'd paid $150 per year for 15 years- a total of $2250.
The repairman had me sit down while he gave me the bad news. The motor was kaput and irreplaceable. But, he said,comforting me with his hand on my shoulder, since it was under warranty, Sears would give me a brand new treadmill-free.
I was thrilled. I had wondered for years what Matt Lauer sounded like and now I'd know. I could shed the helmet. I'd be getting a new $900 treadmill, free. Within weeks I received a call from Lourdice, your employee in South Carolina. Like a fairy godmother, she told me to pick out the treadmill I wanted and she'd arrange the delivery. "But Lourdice, what about the pick up of the 15 year old treadmill? I don't have room for two treadmills." Lourdice assured me she'd take care of it.
On April 22, Atlantic Freight delivered my new Sole Fitness treadmill and left it in a box in the middle of my living room floor. The box was the size of my father's 1960 Chevy Impala. Michael, of American Direct, arrived to install it.He removed it from the box, moved my old Pro-form into the living room and moved my new Sole Fitness into the Pro-form's spot in the bedroom. The new Sole Fitness weighed 350 pounds, its footprint was 7 feet and its console, 5'3" high, bore a striking resemblance to the console that Scotty used to beam up the crew of the Enterprise. I couldn't wait to try it. Unfortunately, Michael could not get it to start. Michael disposed of the box and left. I called Lourdice. Lourdice said,"Don't worry. Sears will send it back to the manufacturer and we'll send you a brand new one." As of April 22, thanks to Sears, I had two treadmills.
Ed, you really are terrific. You must pay your employees alot more than I get paid. You see, I live in a NYC apartment. It isn't easy to fit one treadmill into a NYC apartment,let alone two. (It isn't easy to fit an extra hanger into a NYC apartment.) Lourdice must live in a very spacious house, because she was flummoxed by my repeated requests to have the two dead treadmills removed before a third was delivered. But, ever accommodating, she arranged to have Atlantic Freight pick up the defective Sole.
Atlantic Freight called me. Yippee, they were going to pick up the Sole Fitness and return it to the manufacturer. But it would have to be boxed, at the door, ready to go.
Boxed? I took a valium and left a message for Lourdice explaining the situation. Lourdice left me the following message: I don't understand why you don't have a box. Everyone knows when you return an item, it has to be in the box."
Until that moment, I was unaware of your generous hiring practices. But now it was clear that Lourdice either thought a treadmill was the size of a fruitcake or would return a rental car in a box.
I took an ativan and called her back. "Lourdice," I explained,"your installer disposed of the box. I HAVE NO BOX. And even if I had a box, there's no way in hell I could get a 350 pound machine into it. I'm 70 years old and I weigh 100 pounds." Okay, Ed, I admit I overstated my age and understated my weight, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
After deliberation, Lourdice called me back. "I'll take care of it,"she said.
The following day, Atlantic Freight called to arrange an appointment to deliver my new treadmill. No talk of pick up. "Sure, come tomorrow," I said. "What's one more treadmill?"
Ed, thanks to the generosity of Sears, I now have a trio of treadmills in my apartment. The new Sole, in pristine condition in its box, sits in the place that formerly housed my couch. I sit on it to watch "The Good Wife." The couch is in storage. The 15 year old Pro-form is propped up next to my dining room table requiring me to eat standing up. And the defective Sole is a 350 pound high tech sculpture in my bedroom. Like every body else's fitness equipment, it serves as a clothing hanger.
My morning activities have changed. I arise, take two blood pressure pills, one valium, one ativan and a prozac and spend 20 minutes talking to Lourdice,who is now the most stable relationship in my life. Like my relationship with the treadmill, it's not perfect. I ask her daily to remove two treadmills and install the third. She tells me daily that she's working on it. My guess is she hears me as clearly as I heard Ann Curry.
So, Ed, I can think of no better way of thanking you for how you changed my life than by paraphrasing our ex-president. ATTABOY, ED. Keep up the good work.
Very truly yours,
Carol R. Abramson
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Call Me "Triathlete"
Yesterday I did a triathlon. I had always dreamed about entering a contest that would measure my prowess against that of others who had, like me, been sacrificing their social lives for muscularity. In high school,while my classmates practiced putting on eyeliner, I toned my abs. While they fretted over boys, I focused on my stroke. While they mooned over Toy Donahue, I mooned over the prize-$1000. I was an amateur in a world of pros,small in a world of bigs, but with my robust abs, perfect eye hand coordination, and eye on the money, I had a fighting chance at winning Nathan's annual frankfurter eating contest. I had only to pace myself on the sauerkraut. Unfortunately, notwithstanding my training, I was bested by Schmuel Minkleman, the four time winner. By golly, Schmuely was fast. In five minutes, he downed sixteen franks to my thirteen. I was runner-up and won a year of Nathan's french fries. The loss was crushing, the psychological devastation only slightly offset by the seventy-two pounds of sublime french fries I devoured that year.
Thanks to Schmuely's rout, an event discussed at length with my therapist, until this year I avoided competitive sport. I had, of course, heard the word "triathlon." It had an alien sound that was, nevertheless, alluring. I looked it up. Three sports rolled into one contest-swimming, cycling and running. I could do that. Okay, not those three sports. Who chose those anyway? I would choose my own three physically challenging sports that I had been training at for years, hold a contest and leave those pussy swimmers, runners and all around mishegoyim in the dust.
The first activity is changing the closets from winter to summer. Twenty four winter coats must be moved from the front closet rack to the back rack while simultaneously moving the summer jackets from the back rack to the front. That over,catching your breath and using only a step stool, the mukluks, boots and shoes of the winter collection must be gathered and paired from under the bed and placed in boxes on the top shelf of the closet while the espadrilles, sandals and peek toes are taken down and placed paired under the bed.
The second activity involves going to Ikea in Brooklyn by public transportation. You must take the number 2 or 4 train and wait at Boro Hall for the Ikea bus. It comes weekly. When you arrive, you are given an item to locate. A 12 inch lipped shelf, for example. You may not leave the store until you locate it. If you are able to find the item in fewer than five circumnavigations of the premises, you will definitely win this portion of the contest, and stand a good chance of winning the event in its entirety. It is this event that culls the field.
The last event involves endurance and the ability to withstand pain. Wearing any shoes but sneakers, you go to the Metropolitan Museum and view five exhibits without sitting down or stopping at a bathroom. (The gift shop does not count as an exhibit.) You must remember one fact or art object from each of the exhibits.
My triathlon is the comsummate democratic event. It requires no expensive equipment(a step stool, unlike a bike, costs under $15 ) and no gym membership, but is nevertheless grueling. It is helpful to do carb loading the evening before--Nathan's french fries work well--and you will definitely require the day following as a sick day. But if you work at it, you, like me, can be a triathlete.
Thanks to Schmuely's rout, an event discussed at length with my therapist, until this year I avoided competitive sport. I had, of course, heard the word "triathlon." It had an alien sound that was, nevertheless, alluring. I looked it up. Three sports rolled into one contest-swimming, cycling and running. I could do that. Okay, not those three sports. Who chose those anyway? I would choose my own three physically challenging sports that I had been training at for years, hold a contest and leave those pussy swimmers, runners and all around mishegoyim in the dust.
The first activity is changing the closets from winter to summer. Twenty four winter coats must be moved from the front closet rack to the back rack while simultaneously moving the summer jackets from the back rack to the front. That over,catching your breath and using only a step stool, the mukluks, boots and shoes of the winter collection must be gathered and paired from under the bed and placed in boxes on the top shelf of the closet while the espadrilles, sandals and peek toes are taken down and placed paired under the bed.
The second activity involves going to Ikea in Brooklyn by public transportation. You must take the number 2 or 4 train and wait at Boro Hall for the Ikea bus. It comes weekly. When you arrive, you are given an item to locate. A 12 inch lipped shelf, for example. You may not leave the store until you locate it. If you are able to find the item in fewer than five circumnavigations of the premises, you will definitely win this portion of the contest, and stand a good chance of winning the event in its entirety. It is this event that culls the field.
The last event involves endurance and the ability to withstand pain. Wearing any shoes but sneakers, you go to the Metropolitan Museum and view five exhibits without sitting down or stopping at a bathroom. (The gift shop does not count as an exhibit.) You must remember one fact or art object from each of the exhibits.
My triathlon is the comsummate democratic event. It requires no expensive equipment(a step stool, unlike a bike, costs under $15 ) and no gym membership, but is nevertheless grueling. It is helpful to do carb loading the evening before--Nathan's french fries work well--and you will definitely require the day following as a sick day. But if you work at it, you, like me, can be a triathlete.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Olympics
The Olympics were grueling. Long nights holding my breath while Shaun White somersaulted out of the half pipe, Lindsay Vonn flew past the gates and Kim Yu-na perfectly executed her triple axel-double toe loop. Early mornings reading a recap of the previous night's events in the New York Times sports section, a section whose sole purpose prior to the Olympics was protecting the floor from wet boots. No preparation could have spared me the toll these two weeks took on my body.
Worse than the physical trials of the Olympics were the emotional demands. Eating my oatmeal, I sobbed, reading about Joannie Rochette, the Canadian skater whose mother died two days before the competition. Drinking my decaf, I broke out in hives worrying about what would happen to Kim Yu-na if she lost. Would she abandon skating and become a computer programmer? Would South Korea assassinate Mao Asada, Kim's Japanese rival, if Mao won? I couldn't sleep fretting about Rachel Flatt's advance placement tests.
For two weeks, mesmerized by the athletes' death defying maneuvers, I nevertheless had two major questions:(1) What sadistic lunatic thought up these tricks? Did someone say,"It's not dangerous enough to go down a 5000 foot mountain at 90 mph on two pieces of wood. Let's have them do flips in the air while they're at it, so they can really kill themselves." Or, did someone propose, " Snowboarding is boring. Let's make it interesting by having them do somersaults 50 feet in the air, so that if they land badly they'll be permanently crippled." Or did someone suggest," Ice skating is for pussies. Let's add impossible jumps, so 99 out of 100 performances will result in a fractured limb."
And (2)Were these athletes spawned by asexual reproduction? What mother would permit, let alone encourage, her offspring to engage in an activity that could easily put him in a wheelchair for life? (It wasn't because of discrimination that there were no Jewish competitors.)
Last week,as the Olympics drew to a close, I performed my version of an Olympic maneuver--the double toe loop-single klutz--when I tripped on the bow of the extra long laces of my hiking boots, executing a perfect landing on the 77th Street station platform of the Lexington local. It was an unplanned invention of a new Olympic event that mere mortals can excel at--the throw me for a loop.
Worse than the physical trials of the Olympics were the emotional demands. Eating my oatmeal, I sobbed, reading about Joannie Rochette, the Canadian skater whose mother died two days before the competition. Drinking my decaf, I broke out in hives worrying about what would happen to Kim Yu-na if she lost. Would she abandon skating and become a computer programmer? Would South Korea assassinate Mao Asada, Kim's Japanese rival, if Mao won? I couldn't sleep fretting about Rachel Flatt's advance placement tests.
For two weeks, mesmerized by the athletes' death defying maneuvers, I nevertheless had two major questions:(1) What sadistic lunatic thought up these tricks? Did someone say,"It's not dangerous enough to go down a 5000 foot mountain at 90 mph on two pieces of wood. Let's have them do flips in the air while they're at it, so they can really kill themselves." Or, did someone propose, " Snowboarding is boring. Let's make it interesting by having them do somersaults 50 feet in the air, so that if they land badly they'll be permanently crippled." Or did someone suggest," Ice skating is for pussies. Let's add impossible jumps, so 99 out of 100 performances will result in a fractured limb."
And (2)Were these athletes spawned by asexual reproduction? What mother would permit, let alone encourage, her offspring to engage in an activity that could easily put him in a wheelchair for life? (It wasn't because of discrimination that there were no Jewish competitors.)
Last week,as the Olympics drew to a close, I performed my version of an Olympic maneuver--the double toe loop-single klutz--when I tripped on the bow of the extra long laces of my hiking boots, executing a perfect landing on the 77th Street station platform of the Lexington local. It was an unplanned invention of a new Olympic event that mere mortals can excel at--the throw me for a loop.
Friday, February 19, 2010
What to do in an emergency
Yesterday morning at 8 a.m. I was unceremoniously roused from a deep slumber by pounding on the door and the incessant ringing of my doorbell. I had been dreaming I was on the beach in Aruba. I had just emerged from the water wearing a bathing suit that made me look like Sally Fields in her Gidget days. George Clooney, Robert Redford and Paul Newman, amazingly vibrant for a dead man, were all hitting on me.
Smiling, I lay in bed for a few minutes, confusing the doorbell with the chime on the cooler of the Brighton Beach good humor man. Unable to make sense of the pounding, I belatedly realized someone was at my door. I threw on a tee shirt and elastic waist pants, screamed, "Just a minute," and sprinted to the door.
The sprint was actually more of a lope and between my bed and the door, I had ample time to panic. Was there a fire? A gas leak? An umbrella illegally left in the hall? Upon opening the door, I knew it was worse than I had imagined. At my door, was a SWAT team consisting of Frank, the handyman, and two porters, Kashaf and Valentin. Under ordinary circumstances, nothing short of a twenty dollar bill could entice any one of them to appear at my door. And now three of them, without any cash inducement on my part, were staring at me stone-faced. I trembled, certain that the Board President, who coveted my apartment, had exercised her considerable clout and offered them a princely sum to rough me up.
Frank spoke. "You have a cat, right?"
"Yes," I responded, wondering what transgression my 17 year old indoor cat could have committed. Had he stolen my neighbor's tuna fish while I was at work?
"Is that him?" Frank asked, pointing down the hall to an orange cat, who was unperturbedly licking his balls..
"No, my cat is black," I said.
"Do you know whose he is, then?" Frank inquired.
"Not a clue." I don't even know who my neighbors are, let alone what their cats look like.
Stumped, they called the building CEO, John, the super.
When my kitchen cabinets fell down, I asked Valentin to page John.
"Sorry, John's out of the building."
When my toilet was overflowing and flooding my bedroom, I asked Valentin to page John.
"Sorry, John's out of the building."
For a misplaced cat,however, which would require no labor on his part, he was both in the building and in front of my door.
"No," said John,"I have no idea whose cat it is."
The SWAT team scratched their collective head and regarded me silently, but beseechingly. I knew they wanted me to take in the orange cat so they could proceed to their first coffee break of the day, but I was resolute. Providing even temporary shelter to this cat would cause my 17 year old feline to drop dead or worse, use the living room carpet as a litter box. The crisis resolved when a kind neighbor from another floor magically materialized and offered to take in the red cat until its owner could be found.
This incident brought to mind the Smothers Brothers. They had a routine in which Tommy sang, "I fell into a vat of chocolate. I fell into a vat of chocolate."
Dick asked, "What did you do when you fell into the chocolate."
"I hollered, FIRE!" Tommy said.
"Why did you holler, 'FIRE?'"
Who would come to my rescue if I hollered, "CHOCOLATE."
Now, in the event my cabinets collapse, my toilet overflows or there is an imminent explosion, I know how to get the building staff to respond immediately. I'll holler, "CAT!"
Smiling, I lay in bed for a few minutes, confusing the doorbell with the chime on the cooler of the Brighton Beach good humor man. Unable to make sense of the pounding, I belatedly realized someone was at my door. I threw on a tee shirt and elastic waist pants, screamed, "Just a minute," and sprinted to the door.
The sprint was actually more of a lope and between my bed and the door, I had ample time to panic. Was there a fire? A gas leak? An umbrella illegally left in the hall? Upon opening the door, I knew it was worse than I had imagined. At my door, was a SWAT team consisting of Frank, the handyman, and two porters, Kashaf and Valentin. Under ordinary circumstances, nothing short of a twenty dollar bill could entice any one of them to appear at my door. And now three of them, without any cash inducement on my part, were staring at me stone-faced. I trembled, certain that the Board President, who coveted my apartment, had exercised her considerable clout and offered them a princely sum to rough me up.
Frank spoke. "You have a cat, right?"
"Yes," I responded, wondering what transgression my 17 year old indoor cat could have committed. Had he stolen my neighbor's tuna fish while I was at work?
"Is that him?" Frank asked, pointing down the hall to an orange cat, who was unperturbedly licking his balls..
"No, my cat is black," I said.
"Do you know whose he is, then?" Frank inquired.
"Not a clue." I don't even know who my neighbors are, let alone what their cats look like.
Stumped, they called the building CEO, John, the super.
When my kitchen cabinets fell down, I asked Valentin to page John.
"Sorry, John's out of the building."
When my toilet was overflowing and flooding my bedroom, I asked Valentin to page John.
"Sorry, John's out of the building."
For a misplaced cat,however, which would require no labor on his part, he was both in the building and in front of my door.
"No," said John,"I have no idea whose cat it is."
The SWAT team scratched their collective head and regarded me silently, but beseechingly. I knew they wanted me to take in the orange cat so they could proceed to their first coffee break of the day, but I was resolute. Providing even temporary shelter to this cat would cause my 17 year old feline to drop dead or worse, use the living room carpet as a litter box. The crisis resolved when a kind neighbor from another floor magically materialized and offered to take in the red cat until its owner could be found.
This incident brought to mind the Smothers Brothers. They had a routine in which Tommy sang, "I fell into a vat of chocolate. I fell into a vat of chocolate."
Dick asked, "What did you do when you fell into the chocolate."
"I hollered, FIRE!" Tommy said.
"Why did you holler, 'FIRE?'"
Who would come to my rescue if I hollered, "CHOCOLATE."
Now, in the event my cabinets collapse, my toilet overflows or there is an imminent explosion, I know how to get the building staff to respond immediately. I'll holler, "CAT!"
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Life's Never Easy
In my less enlightened days, I thought my already terrific life would attain perfection if I had boyfriend. I had the luxury of many boyfriendless years to develop his qualifications. However, with the wisdom that comes from life experience and alcohol, I realized that my youthful requisites were were not bona fide job requirements. I had desired someone handsome. What for? I don't need arm candy. A notch above repulsive would be acceptable. I had insisted that he share my religion. Why? I eat spare ribs with gusto. Now, for the right guy, I would don a Burqua. While my intellectual discussions invariably involve clearance racks, I had mandated that he be well educated. Now, if his grunts are recognizable as affirmative or negative, he need not be a philosopher. Wealth was a sine qua non. Now I know that a portfolio of more than ten million simply leads to buying retail.
After carefully examining my values, I drew up a list of the characteristics needed for a boyfriend. He must love to schlep items on command, adore and be talented at repairing electronic and mechanical devices, be besotted by changing light bulbs and hanging pictures and, most of all, be ready, willing and able to drive me anywhere I want to go, even at night. Basically, a live in super who drives.
Two weeks ago, I heard a new word that would forever changed my hopes and dreams. "AVATAR." I initially thought "avatar" was the basis of guacamole. Now, I know it's a blue counterpart of myself who, at my direction, will do everything I can't. I no longer want a boyfriend who, while completing my life, will also take up closet space. I want an avatar, who I'll call Toby. Toby will effortlessly lift my bed with one hand, while vacuuming the 17 year accumulation of cat fur beneath it with the other. She will rid my computer of worms, connect the 6 year old dvd player still in its box and replace the light bulb in my foyer ceiling fixture that's been out for two years. She will drive me to the Hamptons, to the Catskills and finally to Elizabeth, New Jersey. There, she will tie the 400 pound unassembled knotty pine entertainment unit I've purchased at Ikea to the top of the car, drive it to Jane Street, bring it upstairs without complaining of an impending hernia and assemble it patiently for 13 hours, emitting no screams of frustration.
Just as there exists a gap between wanting a boyfriend and getting one, there exists a chasm between desiring an avatar and finding one. I suspect that creating an avatar requires performing a complex computer operation. I limit myself to googling. There may be an i-phone application that would help me, but I don't have an i-phone. Were there such an app, I would buy an i-phone, but I would need someone technologically proficient to show me how to use it. Obviously, I need an avatar to create my avatar. Until I solve this conundrum, I'll resort to bribing the super and dialing 777-7777. I would appreciate any suggestions you may have.
After carefully examining my values, I drew up a list of the characteristics needed for a boyfriend. He must love to schlep items on command, adore and be talented at repairing electronic and mechanical devices, be besotted by changing light bulbs and hanging pictures and, most of all, be ready, willing and able to drive me anywhere I want to go, even at night. Basically, a live in super who drives.
Two weeks ago, I heard a new word that would forever changed my hopes and dreams. "AVATAR." I initially thought "avatar" was the basis of guacamole. Now, I know it's a blue counterpart of myself who, at my direction, will do everything I can't. I no longer want a boyfriend who, while completing my life, will also take up closet space. I want an avatar, who I'll call Toby. Toby will effortlessly lift my bed with one hand, while vacuuming the 17 year accumulation of cat fur beneath it with the other. She will rid my computer of worms, connect the 6 year old dvd player still in its box and replace the light bulb in my foyer ceiling fixture that's been out for two years. She will drive me to the Hamptons, to the Catskills and finally to Elizabeth, New Jersey. There, she will tie the 400 pound unassembled knotty pine entertainment unit I've purchased at Ikea to the top of the car, drive it to Jane Street, bring it upstairs without complaining of an impending hernia and assemble it patiently for 13 hours, emitting no screams of frustration.
Just as there exists a gap between wanting a boyfriend and getting one, there exists a chasm between desiring an avatar and finding one. I suspect that creating an avatar requires performing a complex computer operation. I limit myself to googling. There may be an i-phone application that would help me, but I don't have an i-phone. Were there such an app, I would buy an i-phone, but I would need someone technologically proficient to show me how to use it. Obviously, I need an avatar to create my avatar. Until I solve this conundrum, I'll resort to bribing the super and dialing 777-7777. I would appreciate any suggestions you may have.
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