Life's Never Easy

In my less enlightened days, I thought my already terrific life would attain perfection if I had boyfriend. I had the luxury of many boyfriendless years to develop his qualifications. However, with the wisdom that comes from life experience and alcohol, I realized that my youthful requisites were were not bona fide job requirements. I had desired someone handsome. What for? I don't need arm candy. A notch above repulsive would be acceptable. I had insisted that he share my religion. Why? I eat spare ribs with gusto. Now, for the right guy, I would don a Burqua. While my intellectual discussions invariably involve clearance racks, I had mandated that he be well educated. Now, if his grunts are recognizable as affirmative or negative, he need not be a philosopher. Wealth was a sine qua non. Now I know that a portfolio of more than ten million simply leads to buying retail.
After carefully examining my values, I drew up a list of the characteristics needed for a boyfriend. He must love to schlep items on command, adore and be talented at repairing electronic and mechanical devices, be besotted by changing light bulbs and hanging pictures and, most of all, be ready, willing and able to drive me anywhere I want to go, even at night. Basically, a live in super who drives.
Two weeks ago, I heard a new word that would forever changed my hopes and dreams. "AVATAR." I initially thought "avatar" was the basis of guacamole. Now, I know it's a blue counterpart of myself who, at my direction, will do everything I can't. I no longer want a boyfriend who, while completing my life, will also take up closet space. I want an avatar, who I'll call Toby. Toby will effortlessly lift my bed with one hand, while vacuuming the 17 year accumulation of cat fur beneath it with the other. She will rid my computer of worms, connect the 6 year old dvd player still in its box and replace the light bulb in my foyer ceiling fixture that's been out for two years. She will drive me to the Hamptons, to the Catskills and finally to Elizabeth, New Jersey. There, she will tie the 400 pound unassembled knotty pine entertainment unit I've purchased at Ikea to the top of the car, drive it to Jane Street, bring it upstairs without complaining of an impending hernia and assemble it patiently for 13 hours, emitting no screams of frustration.
Just as there exists a gap between wanting a boyfriend and getting one, there exists a chasm between desiring an avatar and finding one. I suspect that creating an avatar requires performing a complex computer operation. I limit myself to googling. There may be an i-phone application that would help me, but I don't have an i-phone. Were there such an app, I would buy an i-phone, but I would need someone technologically proficient to show me how to use it. Obviously, I need an avatar to create my avatar. Until I solve this conundrum, I'll resort to bribing the super and dialing 777-7777. I would appreciate any suggestions you may have.