Guide to Retirement-Part III-F*** is a Dirty Word

If you're reading this, you've been starting your day with a quick infusion of coffee for at least 35 years. If you want a long, healthy retirement, this must stop. Not the coffee. You need it now more than ever. When you were working, you could have abstained from coffee. Your competence and experience enabled you to do your work in your sleep. You're new at the retirement game. You need to apply yourself. You don't want to spend your last 30 years of life in a caffeine free stupor. You'll have eternity to switch to Ovaltine.
I'm suggesting, no MANDATING, that you drink coffee differently. You used to "gulp" or "chug" you coffee, both verbs implying speed. You are retired. You may NEVER again perform any activity quickly. "Fast" is a dirty word. You have lots of time. Fill it productively by doing everything slowly. Did you pick up a grande at Starbucks and drink it while walking to the subway? Did you buy a latte and imbibe it while driving? You may NEVER again multitask. You want to enlarge the time spent for each activity, not reduce it. Some multitaskers have been known to return to part time work just to fill their time. Unfortunately, this column is too late for them.
From now on, you will allot 1.5 to 2 hours for your morning coffee. You will need a 16 ounce thermal mug. Unless you used instant coffee(remember, "instant" implies speed,)use whatever method you have always used to make coffee. Decant the coffee to the thermal mug. Move to the couch. The coffee will remain at the boiling point for 27 minutes, during which time you may take only tentative tiny sips. Larger sips will require a 911 call. Watch the Today Show if you're up for news. If it's a retro chuckle you want, "I Dream of Jeannie" is now on TV Land. (Just to be clear, watching mindless TV while eating or drinking does not constitute multitasking. Listening to NPR,on the other hand, is a borderline violation of the no multitasking rule.) At the 28th minute, when the coffee has reached 160 degrees, you may take slightly larger sips. Careful, you don't want a blister on your tongue. After an hour, change the channel. The coffee is now cool enough to drink without fear of an emergency room visit. Savor it while you're planning your day's activities. Lunch? Gastroenterologist? You're retired. The sky's the limit.