Guide to Retirement-Part 1

Planning to retire? Delighted to leave a lifetime of remunerated boredom, but terrified that unpaid, unstructured tedium may be worse? Fret no more. I promise you a perfect retirement, if you commit yourself totally to my program.
Let's start with what you must NOT do.
Do NOT, under any circumstances including, but not limited to an interminable wait for a colonscopy, read AARP Magazine. That publication has a twofold stealth agenda: the deification of productivity and the demonization of sloth. It will seductively suggest that finding a hobby will enrich your life. It won't. If a hobby were enriching, you would have already had one. Needlework will make you blind and, in many cases, produce blood poisoning. Knitting? You'll look like Grandma Moses and be called Madame Defarge. And sports? Pu-lease! Millions who should know that moving faster than a saunter is potentially life threatening drop dead on a shuffleboard court. Even scarier, a poorly placed shuttlecock can take all pleasure out of your declining years. So, no hobbies.
Even more vital, do NOT reinvent yourself. Reinventions are like changed answers on a test--usually wrong. If you always wanted to act, but never had the time, do NOT start now. You are not Betty White. You're convinced there is a Nora Ephron hidden beneath your dour exterior? There isn't, so don't start a blog. Don't even think of taking classes you always wanted to take. You're forgetting that once you graduated, you swore you'd never enter a classroom again. Why do you think NYU School of Continuing Education has a 20 gazillion dollar endowment? Enrolling in an adult education class is like buying a gym membership--you'll be enthusiastic for two weeks, you'll be proud of the new you and by the third week you'll remember that although you really should go, Chanukah is coming in 10 months and you urgently need to polish your menorah.
Lastly, do NOT look for a part time job. If you enjoyed working so much, you wouldn't have retired. You're just scared of free time. Don't fall for the employer who crows "we love older workers." Nobody loves older workers. Even older workers don't love older workers. What the employer loves is someone he can exploit. Who wouldn't want a retired CPA auditing a financial statement for $12 an hour? Trust me, if work sucked when you were earning $100,000 a year, it won't enthrall you at $15,000.
You know what you shouldn't do. You're off to a fine start, but you're probably a bit nervous because you have no affirmative plan. Don't worry. I will provide one. But in the meantime, promise me you will not read any books with the word "Retirement" in the title no matter how authoritative they sound. Not " How To Have A Fulfilling Retirement," not "Retirement And Death-A Road map(including forms for end of life directives) " and not even "What Your Retirement Means for Your Dog." They sound well meaning, but they are the devil's work. Read them and your retirement will be the ninth circle of hell. I promise you heaven.