I Love The Subway

I love the subway. I can leave my house at 12:45 for a 1:00 dance class, catch the A train, sit between a sumo wrestler and and a dwarf, and be at the class with time to spare for a pee stop. That train would leave the Starship Enterprise in the dust. The others aren't shabby either. Yesterday, 25% off coupon in hand, I caught the 2 to Lord and Taylor's. Four minutes later I was trying on flood pants. Flood pants in hand, I caught the V to exercise class at 54th and 1st. Within five minutes, I was squatting and lunging. Having barely survived the 100th squat by napping on the mat while my classmates performed rigorous crunches, my chariot, the E train, whisked me in 15 minutes to Associated where my chickens, reserved earlier, awaited me. As if the warp speed of the trains were not gift enough, when I use my "unlimited" card, the Transit Authority further rewards me by reducing the fare the more I ride. I believe they are currently paying me to ride.
Today, my usually perfect subway experience was rendered even more sublime. I received a donation from a homeless person. There have been times when, due to my garb or my hair or general demeanor, I might have being mistaken for someone homeless. But only by someone homeful. I thought that, like we Jews can spot our own, homeless people can too. Well, either I've lost more money in the market than I thought, or I was wrong. This homeless man handed me an umbrella. Handing it back to him, I said, "You keep it, I already have one," gesturing at my chic cat umbrella. Without speaking, he pointed to himself and nodded his head, "No," handing the umbrella back to me. I thanked him and he walked away looking pleased with himself. Helping someone in need makes you feels so good.
By the way, it's a Totes.