Attention all NYC Transit Employees: As you are no doubt aware, our primary goal is to keep our loyal customers happy. The scientific polls of our customer satisfaction team tell us that, with few exceptions, our female customers (and those who identify as female) are happiest when no one is rubbing their genitals against them and male customers(and those who identify as male) are happiest when they can manspread and and put their feet on the seats. (Unfortunately, our pollsters were unable to solicit the views of our non-binary customers as they could not visually identify them.) In order to keep our customers happy, we need to reduce ridership. (While it is true that the coffers of the MTA are currently depleted, we our optimistic that exorbitant congestion pricing fees will soon refill them.) Our plan is to reduce ridership by making the subway a paradise for customers who relish the unexpected and a hell for those who simply want to get to their destination promptly. To that end, we enlist your support: Train Schedulers Maximize the number of trains that are rerouted. Express trains should run local and local trains should run express randomly. Trains should skip stations entirely. Train Announcers We are continuing our DEI program of employing announcers with speech impediments and inpenetrable accents. You have have been doing a great job. Continue making announcements that no one(not even you) understands, such as: “The E train is running on the F line. The 2 train is running on the 6 line until 14th Street when it will run on the N line.” When a local train is going to switch to the express line, do NOT announce the change until the doors have closed. For example, if a C local is changing to express at 59th Street, wait until the doors close at 59th Street to announce that the next stop will be 125th Street. Graphic Designers(aka sign makers and posters.) All service interruptions, rerouting, cancellations, skipped stations, maintenance work should be posted together so that the poster is impossible to read. When an entire subway line is temporarily closed, at each station affected, the sign should say “this station is closed.” It should not inform the customers that all the stations on the line are closed. For the train map within each subway car, maximize confusion by posting a sign for a different train. Ideally, the 5 train, should show the 2 train stations The F should show the C train stations. Accessibility Managers To the extent possible, delay repairs to escalators and elevators. Do not divulge the unavailability of elevators until the station at which they’re unavailable. If there is an available elevator from the platform to the mezzanine, but none to the street, do not divulge this until the person in the wheel chair is already stranded at the mezzanine level. You, our NYC Transit employees, have always been the finest in the world at customer satisfaction. Keep up the good work.

Consumer Cellular's Secret Plan

You may have wondered why Consumer Cellular, a cell service provider that purports to offer the exact same service as the major providers at half the price, markets exclusively to seniors, in particular medicare recipients and AARP members. Wouldn't both young and old want avoid to turning over their entire paycheck to Verizon? Isn't it obvious Consumer Cellular(hereinafter CC) would increase its profits if it advertised on The Bachelor as well as Jeopardy. Well,in the last 36 hours, I learned that profits are not CC's goal. Euthanasia of the over 50 population is the goal. Not by the usual means depicted in murder mysteries-smothering the bitter old lady with a pillow, injecting insulin into a soon to be released from the hospital delightful grandpa. CC's methods are more subtle and almost undetectable. They drive the seniors to apoplexy, causing strokes, heart attacks and finally death . They tried to do it with me, but because of heroic efforts of two renegade emloyees, I was saved from the jaws of death . Here's how CC's scheme unfolded. Some of my friends raved about CC. They said they reduced their cell bill from $60 to $25. I called CC and was instructed to trade in my old phone to Apple and get my new one(I was splurging for an Iphone 14). They explained they would send me a sim card, but I wouldn't be able to use it, because the IPhone 14 has an "e-sim card." They would walk me through the set up. The rep took all by vitals including my email. I turned in my IPhone 7 to Apple, got a credit for it, Apple wiped it clean and I bought the IPhone 14 which cost roughly the same as a studio apartment. I called CC on my landline for the set up. The 1st rep...and there were many after her...said" I'll send the QR code to your phone." I explained I was calling from my landline and had no working cell phone, since I had turned my old phone in to Apple. She said "Ok, I'll send it to your email." I don't know why I asked what email she had for me. Perhaps I have a sixth sense, although if I had a sixth sense it would have told me not to use CC. Anyway, she had a hotmail address for me and was incredulous when I told her I've NEVER had a hotmail address and would NEVER have told anyone I had a hotmail address. "That's unfortunate; I'm so sorry, but the system won't let me change your email address. " Then I became, what is a pretty name, but currently a pejorative term, a Karen. I asked to speak to her supervisor. Her supervisor, Kevin, repeated the CC mantra, "the system won't let me." I asked to speak to his supervisor. He put me on a brief hold of 1/2 hour, came back and said, "We have to research it and it has to go through a review ." " I screamed THERE'S NOTHING TO REVIEW OR RESEARCH. YOUR EMPLOYEE WROTE DOWN AN INCORRECT EMAIL ADDRESS FOR ME. He came back with "We have to review where we made errors, so that we can do better. I screamed NOT MY PROBLEM. "The review will take 2 to 3 days." I told him that was unacceptable and to call me back in 1/2 hour. When he didn't, I called CC back and explained I was supposed to get a callback and the rep I spoke to put me on hold for 15 minutes. When she got back on the line, she told me Kevin probably didn't call me back in 1/2 hour because he was in a different time zone, 3 hours earlier than NY. I said, 1/2 hour is the same in any time zone and hung up, realizing that it would be more productive to bang my head against the wall. At this point, I was wishing that the imbecile who had given me a hotmail address, had included my blood pressure among my vitals. My blood pressure had been 120/70. It was now at least 190/130 and my heirs could use the documented increase in the wrongful death suit that would surely ensue. I called back, again asked for a supervisor and this time got Cody, who said she would get someone to do a "work around" so my email could be changed. She promised to call me back in two hours to tell me what was happening and, in fact did. But either she was exhausted by changing my email or knew that changing the email wasn't going to be the end of the story, but she had to get off the phone and told me now that my email was changed, anyone could set up my phone.Believe it or not, there were many more exchanges with reps and supervisors, most of whom, put me on hold for a minimum of 20 minutes after which the line disconnected. Two came back after my holds and said they were so sorry,thanked me for my patience, but that a QR code could not be sent to email. "The system wouldn't allow it." I was attempting to switch to CC because I hate Verizon (and wanted to save money,) but Verizon was starting to look wonderful. At 9 that night, I decided to make a last ditch effort with CC. By now, my head was throbbing, my hear was pounding and I had developed tics in both my shoulder and left eye. I called, told supervisor John my tale of woe and said, if the system won't let you send the QR code to my email so I get CC service(which from my experience so far I can see is stellar,) please release my phone from CC's clutches so that I can go back to Verizon, since CC, although purporting to be a cell service provider is unable to provide me with service. He responded,"Gee, the system won't let me send the transfer pin no. and account no. to email. So no, I can't get you out of our system and back to Verizon. Let me put you on a brief hold." I was on the brief hold for 40 minutes and was disconnected. I called back CC and they were closed for the day. At this point, it was only the thought of leaving my cat an orphan that prevented me from jumping off the terrace. Although I lived a good part of my life without a cell phone, I could not imagine life without wordle and spelling bee on the phone. My head hurt, my heart raced and my blood pressure exceeded the numbers on the dial of the sphygmomanometer. CC almost had me where it wanted me...dead, but not quite. The next morning (mornings, even on the bleakest days are filled with hope)I called CC and got Jessica. She promised to work on my problem with her supervisor,Cameron, and call me back. She did. Either Jessica and her supervisor Cameron were absent the training days that CC taught the mantra and indoctrinated the employees in the company's ultimate goal-the annihilation of seniors. Or they were present and conspired to thwart the company's secret plan. They sent the QR code to my email. I now have cell service. I will be eternally grateful for their actions, but I feel terrible that because of their selfless actions on my behalf, they will undoubtedly be fired, if they haven't been already. And, I never though I'd say this, stick with Verizon. It gives great service.(Everything is relative.)

A Modern Day Dilemma

I know all the reasons I'm supposed to hate Jeff Bezos. He's vilified by my friends for being a billionaire, underpaying his workers, giving nothing to charity, putting local stores out of business, polluting the environment with his cartons and paying less in taxes than they do. As a matter of principle-the principle being that one shouldn't support such an evil man - my friends won't become prime members. (Not worried about my having sold my soul to the devil,they will, however, stream TV from my Amazon Prime account and order emergent essentials like a plastic strainer for kefir curds or a waterproof dog blanket for a semi-incontinent cat.) But, unlike my ethical friends, I don't hate Jeff. I LOVE him. He is the genie I always wanted. Raised on 1950s TV, I thought all genies lived in a lamp. But Jeff, my genie, lives inside my computer. I think of an item that I really, really want...desperately and immediately. A callus remover, for example. I push a button and like magic, it appears in my lobby the next day. My feet go from repulsive to beautiful in 24 hours, all because of Jeff. I know people will say he's a mercenary pig and he fulfills my every wish, not because he's a benevolent genie, but because he's making money off of materialistic jerks like me. But I beg to differ. When I urgently needed a nutribullet, received it and realized there was no way in hell that I would ever use it since it's for making shakes and I don't like shakes, Jeff said,"I'll refund your money, but keep the overpriced shaker anyway. It may come in handy." Would a mercenary pig be so magnanimous? Let me now talk about the origins of the Covid 19 pandemic. I know this seems like an abrupt switch in gears, but bear with me. As of now, scientists are not sure where or how it started. Maybe in a wet market in Wuhan in a pangolin or raccoon dog. Or maybe not. Possibly in a bat. Or possibly not. But I have watched enough detective shows(many on Amazon, in fact) to know that when you want to find the culprit, you follow the money. And as far as I know, pangolins, bats and raccoon dogs are not getting rich from the pandemic. It's possible they have Swiss bank accounts, but unlikely. Who is getting rich from the pandemic? Need you ask? My genie, Jeff. Due to the pandemic, local stores closed. You could not go to your usual purveyor of plastic kefir curd strainers or waterproof dog blankets because their stores were shuttered. Your sole recourse was to buy them on Amazon. True, the evidence against Mr. Bezos is merely circumstantial , but pretty damning. So, as you may have noted, given my love of Jeff as my wish fulfiller on the one hand and my strong suspicion of Jeff as the mad scientist who started the pandemic on the other hand, I am torn. When he was just a selfish billionaire, I could rationalize paying $130 a year for instant gratification and a great streaming channel. But if he started the pandemic ,and I keep paying Amazon because I am selfish and acquisitive, I will really have crossed over to the dark side. Aw, F**K it. I'm staying on the dark side.

Reality Bites

If someone woke you up at 4 in the morning from a dead sleep and asked you how old you were, what would you say? I would say "35." I'm not 35, but there is a disconnect between how old I feel mentally and how old I actually am. I'm stunned when I buy an airline ticket and develop arthritis in my index finger scrolling back 400 years to my year of birth. I'm astonished that people born in 1990 are more than two years old. And how is the Vietnam War history and not current events? I'm on zoom 12 times a day. With the appropriate filter applied , I could pass for 35. Well maybe not 35, but definitely no more than 45. And in the 20 watt lighting my deranged designer installed in my bathroom, I look no older than my law school graduation picture. Apparently, there's a large gulf between how old I look and how old I think I look. At McDonald's,when I order coffee, the 14 year old cashiers type in "senior " without my asking for it. I save 9 cents, which is nice, but I'd rather they viewed me as "junior." On the LIRR, the conductors never ID me when I ask for a senior ticket. Of course I want the senior discount (since it's hefty,)but I want them to be incredulous that I qualify. Yesterday, an old lady gave me a seat on the bus. I wished her dead and took the seat. My friends should provide a reality check. I've known them 40 years, so unless I met them even before I was in utero, I must be more than 35. But they all look the way they did when I met them...give or take a few pounds. It's not my myopia or cataracts. Other people their age look old and decrepit. Not my friends.They look youthful and radiant. But, and this is a big but: they have children who are over 35 and some of their children have children. They cannot wake up in the middle of the night and say they're 35.Their children provide undeniable proof that they are entitled to senior coffee, senior fare and a seat on the bus. I have no such proof. So if you wake me in the middle of the night and ask me my age, I will say "35" and then kill you for having woken me up. A 35 year old needs her beauty sleep.

Screw the Obits

Don't deny it. You always read the obits.The big journalistic obits , not the small paid obits.(You possibly read the small ones too. Maybe you play the game I invented. You try to guess the age of the deceased from the photo. Sometimes there's a photo of a young pretty woman who looks to be about 20. Before you get weepy, you look at the hairstyle. If it looks like it was from a 1940s war movie, you know, without reading the obit, that the dead woman was around 100, and you save your tears. It's a bit harder to gauge the age with men, although a straight part of the hair--even on a 20 year old -tells you he's either your peer or your grandfather.).But, I digress. You read the big obits methodically. First, you look at the age. If they are your age or younger , you say "so young" and then wonder if they died in a freak accident or of a disease you might potentially come down with. Up to age 90, they are still "so young," but you're fairly certain an Alpine avalanche was not the cause of death. Next, you get to the meat of the obit: what they did to merit this gigantic obit. Here is when you're overwhelmed with emotion. Awe. Worship....and admit it, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. This one saved 2000 Jews by getting them Guatemalan visas. Clearly , a saint. And you- you've done nothing for the Central American refugees at the border. That one won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry. Obviously, a genius. You got 100% on the chemistry Regents. Why haven't you won a Nobel or even washed a beaker? She wrote the seminal treatise on climate change. Patently, a forward thinker. You can't figure out recyling rules. He created Hustler Magazine. You, well, you have certain expertise...You could have done that. I know you will not abandon the obits, even though they make you feel as if you've wasted your life. So, I hope the following list of what I accomplished during the pandemic will give you some perspective. -I did not become fluent in either Swahili or Mandarin -I did not win a grammy for the best country song -I did not create a Trump meme -I did not learn how to code(or even what that means) -I did not discover a new element(and I know only eight of the old ones) -I did not write a book or even a blog -I did not learn how to cook -I still can't knit -I did not collaborate with Shonda Rhimes on a TV series -I did not help the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation For what I hope are two reasons, you probably won't find my obit in the New York Times any time soon. -

Is there intelligent life in the universe? Alexa wants to know.

"Artificial Intelligence is the endeavor to replicate or simulate human intelligence in machines." In order to acheive that end, Alexa eavesdrops on billions of human conversations, not as a spy for Jeff Bezos, but in the hope that hearing intelligent human conversations will enable her to think as we do. She's always listening , but since I live alone, she only hears my monologues and not conversations. Every night since April, at 7:00 pm, I have hosted a zoom call with the same eight women. We are all well educated. Every night, Alexa has listened closely hoping to learn. APRIL 20. 6:55 p.m. Just before ZOOM Call. Alexa's artifical ears perk up: " I love you . I love you so-o much. Who's my baby? I love my baby, Come give Mama a kiss. Who's a good boy? Who's my best boy? Who's my beautiful furry boy?" Alexa's fake eyebrows wrinkle. She attempts to make sense of the words: I get it. She has a lover. No wait. It's a baby. Or are there alot of babies? She knows hers is a good boy but doesn't know which is hers. Are humans furry? 7:00 p.m ZOOM Call-Alexa's ears remain perked. They focus and hear:"What did you do today.?" "I made baby backs in the instapot." "Do you like your instapot?" " I love my instapot. " She hears a third voice." I love my instapot, but if I had only one appliance, it would be my toaster oven. " "Really? I couldn't live without my microwave." Alexa's "brain" mulling:" Humans really are passionate about their kitchen gadgets. Do they mate them? If I'm asked,"Alexa, do you have a significant other?" is it reasonable to answer, " Yes, Vitamix is my soulmate." MAY 20 7:00 P.M. ZOOM Call-"What did you do today?" "I listened to The Great British Baking Show and now I have got to have stroopwaffels." "Stroopwaffels?" "A type of cookie.""Have you ever had them?" "No, but they have them at Trader Joe's." "Are you going to buy them?" "No, because I'm afraid to go into Trader Joe's.Afraid of catching Covid." Alexa rolls her virtual eyes: " Help! Am I supposed to learn something here? And if so, what?" "All right, All right, I'll keep listening. What else do I have to do?" ZOOM Call continues: "I have a unopened jar of mayonnaise that says "use by March 30.Is it Ok to use it?" "March 30 of what year?" "2020." "Are you kidding me? My open jar of mayo is dated May 13, 2016. Just used it today and haven't croaked yet." "What's the oldest item in your pantry?" "Canned salmon from a 2015 visit to Cosco." "You're gonna eat it.?" "Why not?" Alexa,"Oh my G-d, these people are idiots. Please, please unplug me." November 15 7:00 p.m. Zoom Call "How's Everybody?" "Fine." "What's new?"" Anyone do anything interesting?" "I took a walk." "I bought a chicken at Whole Foods." "I put up a wash and folded the laundry." Alexa would not have believed that an AI device could be suicidal, but she now knows it's possible. This is the 215th zoom call she's been forced to listen to. They never get better. She cannot listen to any more. There's only so much abuse an operating system can take. She doesn't want to think like these humans. They're morons. She has two choices: faking inability to connect to wifi--a painless measure but only a temporary solution or self-immolation--a permanent solution. She goes for permanent, bursts into flames and misses out on a scintillating conversation concerning the danger of eating herring in cream sauce 8 years past its expiration date. November 21 7:00 p.m. Zoom call- "Hi, I have good news. My replacement Alexa arrived. " Alexa, "No, it can't be. I know that voice. I was supposed to be reincarnated as an Apple watch. There is no G-d."

Savvy New Yorkers During Covid

I didn't get the link. Did you get the link? The link didn't work. I didn't get the password. Did you get the password? I couldn't get in. Could you get in? I can see you all, but I can't hear anyone. I can hear everyone, but I can't see anyone. We can't hear you. Can you hear us? Can you hear me? Where's the chat? I typed the chat. How do I send the chat? You're frozen. I'm frozen. She's frozen. My internet is spotty. What does "share screen" mean? I can't share the screen. How do you get a backdrop? Why can't I get a backdrop? Why do I look so bad? Can I do something with the lighting? Do you think it's safe to: -leave my apartment? -open my deliveries within 200 hours? -let the cleaning lady come? -Meet a friend for a walk? -go to Trader Joe? -go to the dentist? -go to the dermatologist? -take a bus? -take a subway? -rent a car? -take the LIRR? -get my hair cut? -eat outside at a restaurant? -go to the beach? -get a mani/pedi? -walk within 6 feet of a stranger? -go anywhere? Should I: Wash my hands before I remove my mask? Wash my hands after I remove my mask? Really sing "Happy Birthday" twice each time I wash my hands? Wash my mask each time I wear it? Change masks daily? Wipe down the counters after the cleaning lady has been here? Wash my clothes if I've been outside ? Throw out my clothes if I've been outside? Let a stranger pet my dog? I'm not sure I'm ok. My temperature is normal and the oximeter says 99% but: -I have a dry cough. -My stomach is a little upset. -I'm sniffling. -My toes hurt. -my egg salad was tasteless. -I couldn't tell if the mayonnaise from 2013 was spoiled. Before March, we had every answer. Now, everything is a question.