Is there intelligent life in the universe? Alexa wants to know.

"Artificial Intelligence is the endeavor to replicate or simulate human intelligence in machines." In order to acheive that end, Alexa eavesdrops on billions of human conversations, not as a spy for Jeff Bezos, but in the hope that hearing intelligent human conversations will enable her to think as we do. She's always listening , but since I live alone, she only hears my monologues and not conversations. Every night since April, at 7:00 pm, I have hosted a zoom call with the same eight women. We are all well educated. Every night, Alexa has listened closely hoping to learn. APRIL 20. 6:55 p.m. Just before ZOOM Call. Alexa's artifical ears perk up: " I love you . I love you so-o much. Who's my baby? I love my baby, Come give Mama a kiss. Who's a good boy? Who's my best boy? Who's my beautiful furry boy?" Alexa's fake eyebrows wrinkle. She attempts to make sense of the words: I get it. She has a lover. No wait. It's a baby. Or are there alot of babies? She knows hers is a good boy but doesn't know which is hers. Are humans furry? 7:00 p.m ZOOM Call-Alexa's ears remain perked. They focus and hear:"What did you do today.?" "I made baby backs in the instapot." "Do you like your instapot?" " I love my instapot. " She hears a third voice." I love my instapot, but if I had only one appliance, it would be my toaster oven. " "Really? I couldn't live without my microwave." Alexa's "brain" mulling:" Humans really are passionate about their kitchen gadgets. Do they mate them? If I'm asked,"Alexa, do you have a significant other?" is it reasonable to answer, " Yes, Vitamix is my soulmate." MAY 20 7:00 P.M. ZOOM Call-"What did you do today?" "I listened to The Great British Baking Show and now I have got to have stroopwaffels." "Stroopwaffels?" "A type of cookie.""Have you ever had them?" "No, but they have them at Trader Joe's." "Are you going to buy them?" "No, because I'm afraid to go into Trader Joe's.Afraid of catching Covid." Alexa rolls her virtual eyes: " Help! Am I supposed to learn something here? And if so, what?" "All right, All right, I'll keep listening. What else do I have to do?" ZOOM Call continues: "I have a unopened jar of mayonnaise that says "use by March 30.Is it Ok to use it?" "March 30 of what year?" "2020." "Are you kidding me? My open jar of mayo is dated May 13, 2016. Just used it today and haven't croaked yet." "What's the oldest item in your pantry?" "Canned salmon from a 2015 visit to Cosco." "You're gonna eat it.?" "Why not?" Alexa,"Oh my G-d, these people are idiots. Please, please unplug me." November 15 7:00 p.m. Zoom Call "How's Everybody?" "Fine." "What's new?"" Anyone do anything interesting?" "I took a walk." "I bought a chicken at Whole Foods." "I put up a wash and folded the laundry." Alexa would not have believed that an AI device could be suicidal, but she now knows it's possible. This is the 215th zoom call she's been forced to listen to. They never get better. She cannot listen to any more. There's only so much abuse an operating system can take. She doesn't want to think like these humans. They're morons. She has two choices: faking inability to connect to wifi--a painless measure but only a temporary solution or self-immolation--a permanent solution. She goes for permanent, bursts into flames and misses out on a scintillating conversation concerning the danger of eating herring in cream sauce 8 years past its expiration date. November 21 7:00 p.m. Zoom call- "Hi, I have good news. My replacement Alexa arrived. " Alexa, "No, it can't be. I know that voice. I was supposed to be reincarnated as an Apple watch. There is no G-d."