Attention all NYC Transit Employees: As you are no doubt aware, our primary goal is to keep our loyal customers happy. The scientific polls of our customer satisfaction team tell us that, with few exceptions, our female customers (and those who identify as female) are happiest when no one is rubbing their genitals against them and male customers(and those who identify as male) are happiest when they can manspread and and put their feet on the seats. (Unfortunately, our pollsters were unable to solicit the views of our non-binary customers as they could not visually identify them.) In order to keep our customers happy, we need to reduce ridership. (While it is true that the coffers of the MTA are currently depleted, we our optimistic that exorbitant congestion pricing fees will soon refill them.) Our plan is to reduce ridership by making the subway a paradise for customers who relish the unexpected and a hell for those who simply want to get to their destination promptly. To that end, we enlist your support: Train Schedulers Maximize the number of trains that are rerouted. Express trains should run local and local trains should run express randomly. Trains should skip stations entirely. Train Announcers We are continuing our DEI program of employing announcers with speech impediments and inpenetrable accents. You have have been doing a great job. Continue making announcements that no one(not even you) understands, such as: “The E train is running on the F line. The 2 train is running on the 6 line until 14th Street when it will run on the N line.” When a local train is going to switch to the express line, do NOT announce the change until the doors have closed. For example, if a C local is changing to express at 59th Street, wait until the doors close at 59th Street to announce that the next stop will be 125th Street. Graphic Designers(aka sign makers and posters.) All service interruptions, rerouting, cancellations, skipped stations, maintenance work should be posted together so that the poster is impossible to read. When an entire subway line is temporarily closed, at each station affected, the sign should say “this station is closed.” It should not inform the customers that all the stations on the line are closed. For the train map within each subway car, maximize confusion by posting a sign for a different train. Ideally, the 5 train, should show the 2 train stations The F should show the C train stations. Accessibility Managers To the extent possible, delay repairs to escalators and elevators. Do not divulge the unavailability of elevators until the station at which they’re unavailable. If there is an available elevator from the platform to the mezzanine, but none to the street, do not divulge this until the person in the wheel chair is already stranded at the mezzanine level. You, our NYC Transit employees, have always been the finest in the world at customer satisfaction. Keep up the good work.