Read my blog, please.

I've always despised people who complain to me that their misfortune is due to circumstance or bad luck. I sympathetically nod my head at their kvetching while thinking, "Lo-ser. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, put your shoulder to the grindstone and take drugs." I never articulate my advice aloud because I want people to like me and more important, the only portion of my advice that makes sense is the drugs part. Except for my cousin B., I don't know of anyone off the Ponderosa with bootstraps. And a grindstone? I saw one once at Philipsburg Manor, but it was last used in 1743.

Now, however, I'm joining the legions of grumblers. Sunday morning, watching CBS, I learned that ordinary shallow people, not unlike moi, make so much money writing blogs about mascara, food and dysfunctional pets that they are able to quit their day jobs and hire minions to write the blog. Other agenda driven individuals,not at all like moi (who, as you well know has no thoughts on anything of consequence,) write blogs so influential they bring down politicians who have neither stolen public funds, nor taken bribes, but have merely made pin-ups of their penises.

I will not blame my lack of fame, fortune or influence on bad luck. I will, however, blame it on circumstance. What circumstance, you ask? My ignorance of technology. As my select group of followers know, I'm a technological moron. Those of the bootstrap persuasion would tell me ignorance is not an immutable trait and advise me to take a course. Grindstone groupies would tell me to read a manual. Both factions would be barking up the wrong url. Bloggers who learn from computer classes see computers as their helpmeets. They don't get emotional when they see the message "Auto-save failed. The Pulitzer worthy blog that you've spent three sleepless night perfecting is gone." I, on the other hand, view computers as a defense team whose sole purpose is to prevent me from scoring. When I see that message, I sob. Not a convulsive sob, more of a schnuffle, but still a distinct sob. Bloggers who read manuals to learn how to widely disseminate their blogs view manuals as a helpful roadmap. I, on the other hand, believe all manuals to be literally and incoherently translated from Japanese and have always found directions from a gas station attendant to be far more helpful than a roadmap.

Here are some tips for promoting a blog from the blogger manual:
Turn on your site feed.
Activate your NavBar
Set your blog to send Pings

I will not be called a loser. As soon as I learn to text, I will text cousin B., ask to borrow her boots, pull myself up by her bootstraps(I know it should be my own bootstraps but who buys boots just to have bootstraps?) and search indefatigably for my site feed, NavBar and Ping setting. Please help me if you are able, and know that I intend to leave no stone unturned, no icon unclicked, no menu undropped. I know not where this quest may lead, but I fervently hope it's not under Anthony Weiner's towel.