Preparing for the Rapture

Thank G-d The Rapture did not occur Saturday night, May 21, 2011. I was totally unprepared. Fortunately, this morning I received a "save the date" from Robert Camping. The Rapture has been rescheduled for October 21, 2011, weather permitting. I've developed a Rapture Preparedness List so that I and my readers won't be caught with our pants down again.
I don't know exactly what The Rapture is, but I am certain that it lasts longer than a week. Hence,
1. Call Merck for a 500,000 day supply of all prescription drugs during the week of October 10. Mail carriers may be readying themselves for the big day and be even more lethargic than usual. Donate your 7 day pill box to Housing Works.

2. Pack a bag. Unfortunately I don't know the geographic destination of The Rapture. "Heaven," even Mr. Camping would have to acknowledge, is a little vague on longitude and latitude. This lack of specificity makes packing difficult. My H & M winter coat or my LandsEnd bathing suit? Your Northface jacket or your speedo? Most of you will have to hedge your bets and check your luggage. If you're Jewish, however, you'll need only your Miami wardrobe, so you can take carry on.

3. Although for some, "The Rapture" may entail more floating than walking, you know how miserable you are when your feet hurt. So, to be on the safe side, select comfortable shoes for the trip. Sneakers are always a good choice, although you may want to throw in dressy flats in case a special occasion arises. And Jews, you'll want sandals where you're going.

4. I've not seen any mention of food at The Rapture, although I'm sure G-d wouldn't let us starve to death. Just in case, pack snacks with lots of preservatives. Hostess products are ideal.

5.You have your "go" bag. It's the morning of October 21. You're almost ready. Be sure to have a good breakfast.You're embarking on a great unknown. You can't think straight on an empty stomach and you may be called upon to solve quadratic equations. For the same reason, don't even think of working through lunch. One hour before the designated time, have a snack. You'll want something heavy enough to take the edge off, but not so heavy as to make you nauseated. No one wants to experience the Rapture next to someone puking into a paper bag.

Have a safe and pleasant journey.