The Miracle of Flight

I know people who are terrified of flying. They spend seven days puking over the railing of the Queen Mary to see Big Ben. "The buffets were phenomenal," they rave. They drive 30 hours straight on Highway 1 to Miami to escape the cold. They pee into a cup, eat at drive- thrus for fear someone will steal the luggage and sleep sitting up because hotels are pricey. Having seen nothing but billboards advertising the University of Phoenix, they advise you, "That's the way to really see the country." They fork over their life savings to ride the rails to San Francisco. After sleeping in the top bunk of a cubicle with a toilet in the center and watching corn grow for four days,they lie through their teeth, "It was so interesting."
I was never scared of flying, but I never particularly liked the experience either. I always disliked being forced to sit for six hours next to someone with ebola. I hated not being able to open a window. And I particularly detested being prevented from peeing at will by the seat belt sign, the comatose passenger in the aisle seat and the food trolleys. However, I love to travel and the quickest way of getting to my destination was by plane.
Now,I'm reconsidering my travel options. Before I go on a plane trip, I have nightmares for a week. They're never about the plane crashing or a terrorist attack. That would be crazy. Instead, I wake up in a sweat, terrified that I won't have enough room in my one quart clear plastic resealable bag for all my 3 ounce liquid containers. Should I take my special hypoallergenic shampoo or should I use the hotel shampoo and risk terminal eczema. Is toothpaste a liquid that has to go in the baggie or can I pack it with my toothbrush and tweezer? Is contact lens solution for medical use and, if so, can I take more than three ounces? What if the TSA makes me open the bag and I can't reseal it? Will they confiscate my $50 Laura Mercier makeup? If I'm luck enough to fall back to sleep, I'm startled awake by the terrifying thought that I booked the flight for 8 p.m. rather than 8 a.m. I'd made that mistake before, missed my flight, felt like a moron and had to pay an additional $250 for a flight which originally cost $125.
The night before my flight, I'm frantic. My flight's at 8 a.m. If I am supposed to be there two hours prior to take off, I have to get there at 6 a.m. That means I have to get a taxi at 5 a.m. If I want to economize and take Supershuttle, I have to leave at 3 a.m. Does it pay to go to bed? Maybe I should just repack my baggie.
I spring for a taxi and worry all the way to the airport that they'll make me check my bag. Since American Airlines lost my friend E..'s luggage when she was on her way to a Caribbean cruise and she had to wear her underwear as a bathing suit in San Juan, I never check my luggage. I have a problem even if they don't make me check my luggage. My carry on weighs 35 pounds and, despite my numerous aerobics classes, I am incapable of hoisting it into the overhead bin. I've been lucky in the past. I stand in the aisle, look at my bag, look up at the bin and look at the bag again. I do this until someone offers to place it in the bin for me. I learned this technique from my cat. When he wants me to open the closet door, he stares at it, looks at me, stares back at the door and magically, the door opens.
Once on board, baggage stowed by someone else, I finally relax. I have fewer complaints than I did in the past. The flight attendants used to be solicitous and gorgeous, making me feel like a nasty, mutant Tasmanian devil. Now the airlines have recruited nasty, mutant Tasmanian devils as flight attendants. I no longer feel inferior. The food used to be gelatinous, tasteless and fattening. Now it's non-existent. I can stick to my diet. If there's any food to be had, it's because I brought it myself. I can't complain about my own p,b and j sandwich.(Although once the bread was stale.) And now that there's no food service, I don't have to worry about the food trolleys in the aisle. I can pee at will.
So, I probably will continue to fly. But if the airlines implement a no pee zone for the last hour of a flight, I am so taking driving lessons.
Happy New Year to all.