Woody Allen Was Right

I hate milk and always have. As I child, I drank it in the morning only when my mother disguised its revolting taste with coffee or chocolate. After school, a glass of milk was the unfair trade-off for chocolate covered grahams and mallomars. Whether downed before or after school, milk caused me severe flatulence. When I was 10, either because she couldn't stand my protests or my smell, my mother gave up forcing it on me.
For the last 10 years, as my bone density declined and I shrank 2 inches, I rued my childhood failure to drink milk. If I had only listened to Mom, a fractured hip would not loom on the horizon, I wouldn't have to choke on calcium "horse" pills twice a day and my pants wouldn't drag on the floor.
Tuesday, however, my refusal to drink milk was vindicated. According to Jane Brody, the personal health columnist for the NY Times, and the person solely responsible for my self-conferred M.D. degree, "two thirds of clinical trials show that milk, dairy foods and calcium supplements do not prevent fractures." If I want to stay out of the fracture unit of Mount Sinai, I should eat 9 servings of fruits and vegetables, decrease my consumption of animal protein to less than three ounces a day and eat only a moderate amount of grain.
On the one hand, this was great news. I could chuck my calcium pills, their concomitant vitamins, D-3 and magnesium, and use the money I would have spent on them on imported cantaloupe. On the other hand,this was a tragic turn of events. If I wanted to preserve what little bone density I had, I would have to forgo my usual portion of half a chicken and restrict myself to a wing. I would be perpetually starved. The only positive spin I could put on my new diet is that one five dollar Dallas BBQ early bird special of half a chicken and baked potato would provide eight dinners. With the money saved, I could sate my hunger with limitless bone strenthening brussel sprouts.
Like the length of a skirt, nutrition is matter of fashion. When we were growing up, eggs were the perfect food. Twenty years ago, those same eggs became toxic, clogging our arteries with dangerous cholesterol. Until recently, soy was a healthy source of protein. Now, its plant estrogens may cause breast cancer. So, I've decided to live dangerously. I will continue to eat half a chicken at a sitting and hope that I don't shrink more than three inches, don't break my femur and live long enough to be told by Jane Brody that chocolate layer cake and Junior's cheesecake are the keys go preventing fractures.