Never Gloat

In zumba class I'm the oldest by 25 years and the fattest by 25 pounds. In ballet class I'm the oldest by 35 years and the fattest by 35 pounds. But water aerobics, as I found out today, is an alternate exercise universe. No one in that class had looked down towards their feet and seen anything past belly since Nixon was in office. And everyone in that class was on social security before the ballet dancers were a twinkle in their parents' eyes. I was Jennifer Aniston in a pool of geriatric Melissa McCarthys. I gloated. The gloating was short lived. The shallow end of the pool had a depth of 4 feet. I'm 4'10". If I stood against the wall at the shallow end, the water was up to my neck. If I stepped two inches away from the wall, the pool's floor dropped off by 6 inches and the water was up my nostrils. Realizing this was a potential problem, I resolved to do all the exercises as close to the wall as I could, moving my legs laterally only, keeping my neck extended upward as if doing the sun salutation. Picture a very short delusional giraffe wearing a shower cap(mandatory for health reasons,) grazing for leaves on a branch no one but she can see. Nathan, the teacher, started us out by jogging. I jogged very well, if I do say so myself. Then we did knee lifts, which I also excelled at. I know these classes are not competitions, but I was certain I was doing better than my classmates. It was only an educated guess, though, because I couldn't risk lowering my head to look around for fear of drowning. Then Nathan said "Grab a noodle." Everyone in the class was using a white noodle. Nathan had provided me with both a white and a yellow noodle. I assumed he thought I was in such good shape that the white noodle would be too easy for me. I grabbed the yellow noodle. We were supposed to push it under water. I couldn't get it to budge from the surface. I stood on my toes and looked around. No one was having trouble with the white noodle, so I reached for it. Nathan, shook his head and handed me an emaciated hot pink noodle. I was pleased that I got it to go under water by heaving my entire body weight on it, but was chagrined that 80 year old two ton Tessie standing next to me who had no difficulty whatever getting the white noodle under water and probably could have pushed a whatle under water said sympathetically, " Go at your own pace. Don't push yourself." The noodle was sufficiently mortifying. I did not need the wuss weights. Everyone was given white weights. Nathan gave me red ones. They were very pretty, but I suspect he didn't give them to me because I was teacher's pet. After ten repetitions, my shoulders were killing me, but no one else seemed to have a problem, so I was too embarrassed to stop. The class lasted 47 hours. Was it fun? Remember when you were in elementary school and there were two reading groups--the robins and the bluebirds? The robins were the good readers and the bluebirds were the, shall we say, dopes. I was always a robin and could not have imagined what it was like to be a bluebird. Now I know.