On the Road Again

I haven't blogged for over a week, but I have googled. I haven't twittered or texted either, but then, I'm not that kind of a girl.
I have no doctor's note for failing to blog. My excuse is simple and noble. I was required to perform a vital, and, possibly perilous, mercy mission, viz:[I don't know what that means exactly, but it's in the Maxwell House Haggadah at least 20 times]riding shotgun in a rented Sebring next to J-e, to provide her with confidence, directions and sucking candies during the most harrowing drive either of us had made in 20 years--120 miles on the I-95 to South Hadley, Massachusetts.
A mercy mission of this nature would arise nowhere but NYC. Only here do we go to the DMV, stand in line and cheat on the eye test to renew a driver's license that we use only to verify our identity to the cashier at Duane Reade. After years of leaving the driving to others, we're petrified to put a car in drive. I have not driven since 1976 and would take the wheel only if my driving companion were rendered totally paralyzed by a stroke and there was a gun to my head. If only one condition were met, I would take my chances.
Although I am useless as an extra driver, except under the conditions outlined above, I used to be somewhat sought after as a navigator, although my utility was limited to holding the map. I understand north, south, east and west in the City and I never get lost there, but on the road "north" could be anywhere. I know Massachusetts is north of New York, but unless the road has an "N" before or after it, I can't tell which way it's going. I am terrific, however, at asking directions fluently in four languages. Unfortunately, in the unlikely event I understand the reponses, I can't remember the directions past the first, "turn left at the 2nd light," when five more maneuvers were directed.
Fortunately, on our trip, J-e did not have to rely on my navigational or linguistic skills. We had Mandy. She whispered directions to J-e in a breathy, sexy voice that would have made her a star on channel 35. Neither J-e nor I being techies, we could not get her to speak up. We spent the ride up saying, "Did she say turn at the second right or left?" And when we did hear her say "turn left in 400 yards," we had no idea what that distance meant. Who, other than carpet installers, measures distance in yards.
When we reached Massachusetts, J-e performed a sex change operation on Mandy. Mandy was now Richard with a loud voice and British accent. Being able to actually hear the directions, even if many were Richard recalculating the directions after our 11th wrong turn, rendered our trip home significantly less harrowing than our trip up.
I feel a little bit bad at having been twice replaced, first by Mandy and then by Richard. But it was nice to arrive in Massachusetts without a detour to Pennsylvania and to return to New York without crossing the Tappan Zee Bridge.
Why did we go to South Hadley, Massachusetts? All will be revealed in a future post. Promise.