Now or Never

Steve Lerner, Programming Director HGTV, Dear Steve, I'm giving you one last chance. If your people do not contact my people by December 31, I will instruct my people to contact Andy Cohen at Bravo. Andy understands schadenfreude. He knows there is little as pleasurable as reveling in the misery of the rich and famous. Although I am neither rich nor famous, I do own a nice coop with a big terrace in the west village in New York City. You may be clueless, but Andy knows that everyone hates New York, hates lawyers, hates Verizon. He will know a blockbuster when he sees it. If my previous missives didn't whet your appetite, perhaps this one will. When I last wrote to you on October 29, I was elated that finally, I had reached a human,Frank, at Verizon who said he was the guy to help me. Until Verizon relocates the riser cable in my closet, the renovations can't start. My lips are frozen in a permanent pucker from kissing up to Frank and his assistant. "Verizon is such a great company. " "I understand that you're overworked and understaffed." "I love Verizon more than life itself." The very next day,Frank sent Sal, a contractor out to survey the job. "Yes, Verizon can do it. It will take 4 to 6 weeks." I asked how much it would cost. "I can't really say, because I'm a contractor for Verizon, but I can tell you on the QT, that it will be about $2000." Having been hemorrhaging money for 1 and 1/2 years at that point, it seemed a reasonable figure. "Verizon will send you a contract with a price. Sign it and they'll do the work." A month went by. I e-mailed Verizon. "I'm so sorry, your paperwork seems to have been misplaced. I'll follow up." Two days later I received that contract for $6,772. I burst into tears.(I think the audience will like that.) I called Sal, who said it must be a mistake. He'd check into it. I heard nothing. I called back. "It wasn't a mistake. I was wrong," said Sal. I sent this e-mail to Verizon: " I believe you may have made an error. I was told unofficially that the work would cost $2000, and you have billed me for $6772. I retired from Verizon as in-house counsel after 21 years and I still currently represent Verizon. I would appreciate it if you would correct the bill. I thank you for all the work you've done for me to date." In fact, they had done nothing, but some sage had taught me that you catch more flies with honey that you do with vinegar. I now know that aphorism may be accurate for flies, but not for Verizon. Verizon e-mailed me,"The bill was correct. We charge tariffed amounts and there is little we can do about the price, but we will do our best." Permanently puckered , I e-mailed, "I so appreciate the efforts you're making on my behalf." I heard nothing for weeks. After several e-mails I received a bill for $3,772. Although nearly twice as much as I was originally told, it now seemed reasonable.I immediately fedexed a check and called "Tom" who prepared the contract.Me: "Tom, I just fedexed the check. When can the work be done." Tom: I don't schedule the work. It's a different department. I want to tell you I have no idea what I'm doing. The person who has always prepared the contracts is retiring after 40 years. He gave me one day of training. I really don't know how to do this job." Reminder, this is the person who prepared the $6772 bill and the $3772 bill. Apparently, he made up the figures both times, but 72 is his lucky number. I e-mailed Frank. "Frank, I paid Verizon, the most wonderful company in the whole wide world my $3772. When can we schedule the work?" Frank's assistant e-mailed:" It's not our department, but you've been so nice, I will personally go over to the department that does the work and see what I can do." Nothing happened. I switched to vinegar. "Since you haven't done anything despite my having paid the extortionate fee, I will have no recourse to proceed with my renovations and if the cable is damaged, I'm sure the $3772 will more than cover the repairs." For some reason, Frank took this as a threat to cut the cable. He warned me not to cut the cable and advised he would try to get my work done before the usual 90 days it will take by bumping another person's work. A foreman called me that day to make arrangements for his men to come. It's vinegar henceforth. Screw honey. Since October 29, at which point I had spent $60,000, with no contractor yet retained and not a wall having been cracked, I have spent an additional $3,000 for some but not all of my bathroom tiles, $6,000 for some, but not all of my bathroom fixtures. My bathrooms are 6'x8' The motif in the guest bathroom is Moroccan. Should the renovations ever occur, a visitor peeing in my guest bathroom and gazing at the floor will think she's in the Alhambra. I have not yet paid for my Mexican wall and floor kitchen tiles. Should the renovations ever occur, a visitor reaching for a wine glass will be transported to San Miguel de Allende. I am optimistic that should this work ever occur, I, like my guests, will experience the world without leaving my apartment, since I can't imagine that I will have money left to take the PATH to Hoboken. Some trivial bills--since now anything under $5,000 is now trivial--- are an additional $400 for storage for my kitchen cabinets which have been sitting in the Home Depot warehouse since October 6 and an additional bill from the expeditor for $450 to "pull the permit" which was not included in the $2250 I've already paid him. I understand that a reality show cannot depict unremitting pessimism. Viewers will want to see that I retain some optimism, so that when my optimism doesn't pan out, they can enjoy my resultant misery even more. So, here's a positive note: The architect completed the plans, contractors submitted their bids and I have a contractor who can start as soon as Verizon relocates its cable. Stop laughing. The huge, pointless expenditures and justified fear that my renovations may take place posthumously have taken their toll on me. I stopped going to BJ's in July, certain that by September 15, as my architect assured me, the renovations would start and I would be out of my apartment. I did not want to move uptown leaving 2 pounds of whitefish in the fridge and 80 turkey meatballs in the freezer. Used to buying toilet paper in 400 roll packages, I now stand in CVS in front of the toilet paper weeekly calculating how much I will need. Customers think I work there. On September 15, still an optimist, I bought 12 jumbo rolls. 2 weeks later, somewhat less optimistic, I bought 24 jumbo rolls. Finding myself rationing, I finally said "fuck it" and last week bought 48 rolls. You know your deadline. I'd rather work with you than Andy. I hear butt and breast implants are a BRAVO requirement. The only thing I want to remodel is my apartment.