A Question for HGTV

Steve Lerner Programming Director HGTV Dear Steve, I love your programs showing smiling, careful, prompt mid-western contractors delighting clients with brilliant design ideas that they execute them effortlessly in a 1/2 show. I have viewed shabby bedrooms transformed to Roche-Bobois advertising photos for $900, 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom 4700 square colonials gut renovated(including hot tub installation) for $21,000 and underground pits converted into state of the art entertainment centers for $2750. No renovation, no matter how extensive lasted took more than three weeks from start to finish. Suffice it to say, you inspired me to renovate my 1960s era small 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom 900 square feet New York City cooperative Apartment. Steve, I realize that your duties as program director probably do not entail the legal obligation to advise me, but since you were my muse, I hope you will take on the ethical mantle as a kindness to a devoted viewer. You see, Steve, my experience differs substantially from that of your televised homeowners. Please tell me what I'm doing wrong. I retained a architect for 15,000. She had wonderful ideas for which she drew up plans. The drawing and revisions of the plans took three months. During that time, I performed reconaissance with the interior designer for sinks, faucets, refrigerators, cabinets and toilets. Unlike your delighted clients, I found looking at these items both tedious and stressful , requiring 2 ativans. Tedious, because all the appliances looked alike and, unlike a pair of shoes, cannot be worn to brunch and, stressful, because unlike shoes, these appliances cost more than the budget for your $4700 square foot colonial. While watching your shows, I heard no mention of "alteration agreement,""permits," "espeditors," or "asbestos removal," Perhaps my head was in the freezer looking for a pint of Hagen Daz when you mentioned them. My coop requires an alteration agreement to be submitted with plans for the work to be done and detailed fees: $250 for the managing agent to hand the plans to the building architect, $425 to the building architect to review the plans and a $350 additional fee to the architect for I don't know what and a $15,000 deposit. The Board must review the plans, and since it meets once a month, you must time your submission prior to their meeting, but their meeting date is shrouded in secrecy. I submitted the plans in December. The Board approved them in February at which time I received a letter from the managing agent that I owed an additional $450 to someone for something, which I paid. The architect informed me that to do apartment renovations in New York City, I needed permits. "Okay," I said, "I'll go to the building department with the plans to get the permits." "No," she explained, "You need an expeditor.Without an expeditor you'll never get the permits." So I paid the expeditor $2200, only to have him inform me that before he could apply for the permits, I needed to get my apartment tested for asbestos. The asbestos tester and lab report cost $2645. Of course the asbestos tester found asbestos in the glue under 20 tiles on my kitchen floor and just happened to know an asbestos remover who charged $4200. While the asbestos was being removed, an air monitor was required to be present to insure that no one would die in 40 years from the asbestos particles in the 20 floor tiles the workers removed. The air monitor charged $950. Steve, may I take the liberty of describing the asbestos removal process from my kitchen No need to credit me if you use it on an upcoming show. I removed all my cooking and cleaning implements and products from the bottom cabinets. I had so much stored there it made me question why I was renovating to get more storage space. Next,I groveled before the super and handyman so they would accept my $200 to move my refrigerator and stove to the living room in time for the asbestos removers to begin their job. Three men from an unspecified European country arrived and asked where they could set up their 20 by 3 foot decontamination unit. I directed them to the terrace. I asked them to protect the wood floor, which they did by taping construction paper to it. It took them 5 hours to set up the "decon" unit, 3 hours to tent off my kitchen so that the asbestos molecules would be contained and 45 minutes to remove the offending tiles. I thought it was prudent to leave the house until the air monitor called "all clear." When I returned, my apartment looked like a superfund site. The next morning, the men returned to "break down" the work area. When I came home, I saw that the finish was off the wood floor where they had pulled off the tape. I put in a claim to my homeowner's policy , sat on the couch in the living room next to the stove and regrigerator and had a glass of Chardonnay. The unfinished floor in the kitchen was mud colored and so disgusting that it would have killed my appetite had I not realized that I could bypass the kitchen to the relocated refrigerator. I went to Home Depot to get self-stick tiles to cover it. The tiles weighed about 43 pounds and I brought them home on two buses triggering sever tingling in my hands. It had been my intention to save money and install the tiles myself,but when I couldn't open the utility knife, I bit the bullet and asked the super and handyman to do the job. I anticipate $300, but I could be underestimating. Steve, because I do not yet have the permits, I have not yet given the job out to bid. However, without any alterations having begun and not having purchased any of the appliances, I have shelled out $27900, more than the cost of the gut renovation of your 4 bedroom colonial. I would appreciate your advice. Carol