"Nothing" is harder than "Something"

I have been jealous of Verlyn Klinkenborg for years. For those of you who think Verlyn was the character with the ear piece on Star Trek--The Next Generation, stand corrected. Verlyn is a member of the New York Times Editorial Board who writes a weekly editorial on nothing. Really nothing-- the grass in his pasture, how his horse feels. For these ruminations, Verlyn is allocated prime real estate on the New York Times editorial page. And he's not even funny. I could so do better.
Or so I thought until this a.m., when I sat down to write and could think of nothing to say about "nothing." I had plenty to say about "something," but my subject matter is circumscribed by this blog's title. So I scrapped the following:

Dear Mayor Bloomberg,

Your construction of bike lanes on the north-south Avenues is nothing short of brilliant. Living as I do near the intersection of Jane Street and Eighth Avenue, I have the daily pleasure of observing the benefits the bike lane has conferred on the City. Thousands of deliverymen fly south on this northbound street, with undisguised glee. The civilian bike owners-- all 67 of them pitifully handicapped by color-blindness-- forget their incapacitating infirmity and speed joyously through red lights. Motorized vehicles flow through traffic signals and crosswalks unimpeded by pesky pedestrians. Pedestrians have disappeared entirely. Although I have not made a scientific study of the matter, my hypothesis is that they a) have been mowed down by cyclists or b) have seen others mowed down by cyclists and are in terror of leaving their homes.
Thanks to bike lanes, we are rethinking transportation options. Taxis are out of the question. Where do you stand to hail one? In the middle of the street? On the corner of the block? Drivers are surely abandoning their vehicles, mystified by the parking in the middle of the Avenue and left turns from a bike lane.
Your bike lanes are not only a paragon of urban planning, but a paean to the altruism of New Yorkers. Although only .000000015% of us own bikes and only .01% of bike owners have actually ridden them in the last 10 years, recent polls show 66% of New Yorkers favor bike lanes. I'm sure there are some cynics who question the poll numbers, but they're probably just newly homebound or crippled pedestrians. You know: sour grapes.
Best of luck always,

Carol

Verlyn, your job's secure.